Monday, December 15, 2008

Bush, Birkenstocks & Three Agents

I'm sure we've all seen it...the footage of George W. getting a pair of "size 10" Birkenstocks thrown at him. But today, it's not his swift reaction, the cautious lean he takes on after the attack, nor is it his total lack of cultural awareness that I want to discuss. Instead, I would like to bring you some inside conversation from Secret Service Agents #00 , #93, and #69. These are the three guys stationed behind the door to the left of the President. Check them out...

Secret Service Agent #00: "Duuude, I can't believe they pulled me from the mailroom for this shit. Hey...hey...pass me that doobie."

Secret Service Agent #93: "I know right?! So lame. When they asked me if I wanted more action with Bush...well let's just say I thought I was gettin' a new job with the interns."

Secret Service Agent #69: " said, 'bush'."

Secret Service Agent #00: Taking a hit, "Hey...did you see that on the monitor...a shoe! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (pause for fit of coughing) hahahahahahahahaha!" Takes another hit.

Secret Service Agent #93: "Ahhh snap...there goes another one. Guess we better get out there. Wait...don't they put bombs in shoes and shit?"

Secret Service Agent #69: "I think we I remember....Bush should...wait....hahahaha....I said, 'Bush'."

Secret Service Agent #00: Peeking through the crack in the door, "Wait for it....wait for it....ok, they got him...NOW!"

Secret Service Agent #93: Busting through the door, "How did I look? Bad-ass right? Did you see how I kicked the door open? Man that was so T-U-F tough."

Secret Service Guy #00: Looking around, "Wait...what are we supposed to be doing."

Secret Service Agent #69: "Hey...wait up you guys. Whoa...did you all know this room was even in here?! Shit! It's the fuckin' president! I'm totally gettin' his autograph!"

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cocoa That Will Blow Your Mojo

Tonight, one of my future mother-in-laws made the most decadent hot cocoa I have ever had in my entire life and sent us home with an entire milk container. So of course, as soon as we get here, I go into the kitchen armed with a Sharpie and begin to write "cocoa" on the carton. You know, so we don't accidentally waste a drop of its deliciousness on our Chex in the morning. While I was in the kitchen, Emily slinks up behind me and places her hands on my hips:

Emily - "Hey Love! You look super sexy."

Me - No response. Bend over to focus on the neatness of my handwriting.

- Pressing up against me,"Yeah..that's what I'm talking about."

- Fart loudly...die laughing...hit the floor...almost pee my pants.

- "So are you gonna love me up or what?"

What can we conclude from this little exchange?

1. Yes...I am actually THAT hot.
2. Emily has some serious unconditional love for me.
3. Try to get between me and my cocoa, and I will fuck your shit up...or at least blow you away.

Grrrrrrr....Scary Lesbian.

Looking Sexy

Can I just say that, whenever I visit my blog, the picture in the post below frightens me...a lot.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Snow in Houston and Other Miracles

After four full days of of being trapped inside the hell-hole of my head, I am finally back. Tuesday morning I called Dr. "P" and told him of my misery.
"Yeah, Dr. "P" I'm feelin' real cray-cray and apparently gassy."

We increased the Celexa to 60mg, and by about 9:00 P.M. I started to notice a difference. Then today, at approximately 1:39 P.M., during Days of Our Lives I sort of woke-up...the fog was lifted. I was no longer watching my life from some distant place inside of myself. No more withdrawals. Of course nothing is perfect, I am somewhat hyperactive and still can't stop eating despite the never-ending irritation that is my tummy-ache...but all in all things are good. I am happy and totally present.

Me in reality. Present. Happy.

In addition, it is SNOWING here in Houston! And not that piddly-ass-sleet shit that folks around here like to call "snow", but real, legitimate, stick-to-your-car-and-eyelashes, fluffy flakes of snow. It is like a miracle! Makes me want to run through my apartment complex like Tiny Tim on crack yelling, "Merry Christmas One and All...even that girl in apartment #45!" But in an effort to avoid arrest, I will just quietly thank The Baby Jesus for the miracles of Dr. "P", Celexa, Texas Snow, giving Em the will to stick it out and for saving me before I lost anymore brain cells trying to understand how Patrick became Brady on Days of Our Lives.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
P.S. That white car is in the controversial parking spot of apt. #45. You know we almost threw-down, but she was too scared. I think she could sense that I took one semester of Hopkido freshman year of college. I'm just sayin'.

The Red Rabbit frolicking in the snow. She is cold but very happy!

The view of our upstairs window through the falling Houston Snow.

Attempt #1 at a self-portrait. Apparently still gassy.

Attempt #2. Whatever, I was having fun!

Ok, I'm totally tapped out.
Until next time...Peace, Love, and Hair-Grease~
The Sparkly Queen

One more thing...the word "frolicking" has the word "lick" in it. I right?! (You know you wanna chest-bump me.)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Doctor "P", Puppies, and Did Somebody Say "Brain Shivers"

Finally, I met with Doctor "P" on Saturday. After a 2 hour session, I walked out with new prescriptions in hand feeling hopeful (Insert Canned Laughter). God knows I can't laugh myself.

We are doing a "direct switch" in order to get me off of the Side-Effexor and to minimize the withdrawal symptoms. What this means is that I substituted my 150mg of Effexor with 40mg Celexa to help with the SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome.

This experience feels more like an exorcism, and I am worried that when everyone yells "Praise Jesus!", "Hail Mary, Mother of God.",or "Long Live the Flying Spaghetti Monster!" and I open my eyes, soaked with sweat, dried vomit on my chin..I will discover that the body count I have left behind will be too many for me to bare.

PUPPY! After doing a quick Google search for "exorcism" images to insert here...I was so damned disturbed I had to Google "Puppy". So yaaay...Puppy!

I am a heinous bitch (aka "agitated"), exhausted, irrational, dizzy, tired, experiencing some depersonalization, having "brain shivers", having shock-like sensations that involve me actually seeing lightening-bolts behind my eyes, I can't focus, my nightmares are more graphic and violent than ever and the thoughts of cutting...burning...eating until I explode are starting to run my life.

On top of all of this comes the guilt I feel for putting Em through this. She deserves better...much better. I made her cry last night. Not good people...not good at all. As a result of the guilt, I dream nightly of my engagement ring crumbling and Emily telling me she has other plans for August 1.

So....yeah...still super-disturbed by my Google search (Seriously...super fucked up). So yaaay..PUPPY TIME!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Dyke-Duo Does Thanksgiving

Once upon a time, Princess Emily and her sinful yet sparkly Luva were invited to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her father, The Reverend, and his family. In preparation, the lesbians practiced not dry-humping in public and avoided the words "fuck" and "pussy". In addition, the sparkly luva became a florist...making lovely arrangements as an offering of of peace.

The first was a collection of hydrangeas for the stepmother.

The second, a colorful arrangement of carnations for Opal-Pearl, Princess Emily's wonderful grandmother whom they both adored.
And so the trip began. The dyke-duo hop on their little red Rabbit and begin the journey to Johnson City. The sky was gray and rain was falling. Some might've called this foreshadowing.
As the little red Rabbit grew nearer to Johnson City, the dyke-duo became a wee bit anxious. The Luva got a pretty-little red "Happy F'ing Thanksgiving" zit.
And Princess Emily began to frantically binge on sunflower seeds.
Then looming in the distance, there it was...Jones Town...I mean Johnson City.
The family was quite happy that their Princess had returned home to them, but they were not quite sure what to make of her sinful Luva. someone missing from this picture?
To determine her worthiness, The Luva was challenged by the family to an unusual game called Blarney Ball.
David, Princess Emily's brother-in-law, having earned his way in long ago tried to help the Luva by showing her how it was done.
The crowd looked on in suspense.
Unfortunately, the Sinful-Sparkly Luva did not rise to the challenge. And so she was banned to the swings. At first she was disappointed, but then decided to enjoy the silence and what had turned out to be a beautiful day.
Note to self: You are too short to be wearing pants like that.
Once her Luva was banished, Princess Emily was able to spend some quality time with her father, which was good. For the moment, they were both happy for they had missed eachother dearly, and The Reverend loved his daughter fiercely.
Finally! Opal-Pearl arrived!
"Mexican train anyone?" asked Opal-Pearl.
The sinful, yet sparkly, Luva had a great time.

The next morning the Dyke-Duo headed to Curra's in South Austin for a late breakfast, mimosas, and good company with the Beautiful Andrea.

Andrea is shocked to hear the Duo's Thanksgiving woes.

2 cups of coffee, 1 Bloody Mary, 2 Mimosas, 1 Iced Tea, 1 plate of eggs w/beans and 4 breakfast tacos later...the friends were happy.
Princess Emily and her Sparkly-Sinful Luva wave goodbye to Curra's, South Austin, and Andrea to begin their journey back home to Houston. On the way, they were sure to make frequent stops to dry-hump, say "Fuck", and yell "Pussy" like all good lesbians do.
The End
Note from the Sparkly Queen:
In all seriousness, I was very grateful to have the opportunity to meet Emily's father and his family. I know that it was a huge step toward not only accepting me, but also toward fully accepting Emily by inviting us to share their holiday. Some parts were very difficult, but others were wonderful. The food was great! Her stepmother did her absolute best to make me feel at home. By the end of the evening, her father hugged me goodbye and let me know that I was welcome back. Em's brother-in-law was very funny and her sister-in-law sweet. I feel closer to my partner now that I have a full picture of where she comes from. I have so much admiration and respect for her...always being true to herself no matter how difficult others may make it. In addition, I feel honored that it was important to her to introduce me to her father, knowing it would have been much easier for her to go without me. Em, if you are reading this...I fucking love you, you crazy pussy! Now let's dry-hump.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Side - Effexor

Night 6 without Prince Ambien to sing me a sweet lullaby, and I am back to being a certified Insomniac. Not only am I suffering from insomnia, but I am also suffering from a bad case of the crazies. This, my friends, can be attributed to 3 things:
  1. I have slept a total of 24 hours in the past 6 days w/out a nap to speak of.
  2. I have a pretty good case of depression with a healthy dose of "generalized anxiety disorder."
  3. In an effort to treat problem #2, I take a little daily pill known as EFFEXOR.
For the purpose of today's blog. I would like to focus on item #3. If I could kick Effexor's ass I would. I would beat his fugly ass until he went cryin' home to his mama. Why you ask? One word...


When taking Effexor you should "call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms" such as:
  • mood or behavior changes: I am a cunt-ass-whore 92.7% of the time.
  • anxiety: Uhhh...yeah! I have generalized anxiety disorder. Damn Gina!
  • panic attacks: So that's what that was a few nights ago when I woke up, thought I was dying and going to jump out of my skin.
  • trouble sleeping: Ummmm....Check.
  • if you feel impulsive: Would an example of this be when I went around our apartment complex at 7:00pm knocking on doors to discover whose mother-fucking car was blocking me in?! I didn't need to go was the principle of it.
  • irritable: Please see "impulsive."
  • agitated: Constantly.
  • hostile: Wanted to bitch-slap the owner of said car mentioned above. Was actually upset that I showed restraint.
  • aggressive: See "hostile"and note my constant use of the word "Fuck"
  • hyperactive (mentally or physically): I've loaded the dishwasher, made some tea, planned a Meetup for my 200+ members, brainstormed the process for starting my own book-club, and am blogging like a maniac and it's only 5:00 am...what do you think?
  • more depressed: This one just makes me chuckle.
  • have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself: Maybe this is where my new urges to burn and cut are coming from.
  • nausea: Yep.
  • dizziness: Word.
  • sexual side effects: This is a nice way of saying, "you'll still get super turned on, but good-luck with that cumming thing."
  • sweating: My face...oh God...the sweating of my face.
  • dry mouth: Like I've been talkin' to the Ganj day and night.
  • loss of appetite: Of course...this would be the one side-effect I don't have.
  • constipation: I wouldn't know a turd if it slapped me in the face and called me sweetheart. (TMI)

Well, at this point my options seem to be limited. I have tried just about every drug on the market and not one of them has worked. I was told by my doctor that this was my "last hope." I assure you, this is not hope. This is a one way ticket to jail or hell cause I am going to end up killing somebody or myself. I've tried not taking it. Within 12 hours of a missed dose the withdrawal symptoms
are so intense I can hardly function. Fear not my friends. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist who we'll call Dr. P. He's coming in at 8:00am on Saturday just for me. Until then, I'll be sure to have Emily keep my straight-jacket straps tight and pray that one day soon my Prince will cum...I mean come.


Feedback for Effexor

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Effexor is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SSNRI

You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking an antidepressant, especially if you are younger than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at least the first 12 weeks of treatment.

Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can increase some of the side effects of Effexor. It may take 4 weeks or more for your symptoms to improve. For best results, keep using the medication as directed. Do not stop using Effexor without first talking to your doctor. You may have unpleasant side effects if you stop taking this medication suddenly.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Granny Panties and Google

I am in a post-holiday funk. One that has me sprawled out on the sofa in my granny-panties and ankle socks in an endless web-surfing coma that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I cancelled my therapy appointment with Robert and ate a brownie. Fun times.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving is a Time for Song

And now a Thanksgiving Day song just for you:

Gobble-Gobble who is that?
Mr. Turkey big and fat.

Gobble-Gobble what does he say?
"Eat me on Thanksgiving Day!"

OK, so it actually goes "meet me" instead of "eat me", but I just don't feel that it has that same ring. Or maybe it is supposed to be, "meat me." Hmmmm....the important questions in life.

Another thing that this little ditty has me thinking about...the word "Gobble." Is it a coincidence that the sound we attach to a turkey is also (according to defined as:

verb, -bled, -bling.
–verb (used with object)
1. to swallow or eat hastily or hungrily in large pieces; gulp.
2. to seize upon eagerly (often fol. by up): After being gone for so long, they gobbled up all the local news. –verb (used without object)
3. to eat hastily.

I think not. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Love -
The Sparkly Queen

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

From Emily

...and the leaves on the ground
are crisp from the fall

the orange and the red
and the beauty of it all

it's autumn, my love

our first together

I love you now,

and in all other weather.


From Emily

... and the leaves on the ground
are crisp from the fall

the orange and the red
and the beauty of it all

it's autumn, my love
our first together

I love you now,
and in all other weather.


Monday, November 24, 2008

A Prescription for Detachment

"Detach with love." Al-Anon constantly reminds me to do this, but I am always left with the question of HOW? During my recent stay in Indiana I repeated this over and over again to myself...along with "The Three Gets":
  1. Get off their backs.
  2. Get out of their way.
  3. Get on with your life.
My dad invited me to an NA meeting which gave me a new perspective, humbled me, and made me feel a sense of pride for my father that I am not sure I have ever felt. After the meeting, we talked openly about how our recent arguments had made us fee,...hurt, confused, and longing for a better relationship. We each apologized and walked away with a better understanding of the other.

When I told him goodbye, I knew I was ready to
detach with love. I love my father and my family. I hope nothing but the best for them. It is their responsibility to make those hopes a reality.

So...on to the third "Get"...getting on with my life. I have been living their lives for almost thirty years; therefore, living my own feels a little-bit uncomfortable and a lot-bit scary. Where will I begin? Tea on the patio...I think that sounds good for now.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blessings & Baby Jeeze

Sitting on the landing of our stairs tonight, I took a moment to let in the silence. Above me Emily was sleeping and below me was our lovely home. I smiled...actually, I smiled so big I became a little self-conscious. Realizing that it was just me and Otho (the cat) I allowed myself to take in the peaceful joy that surrounded me. Even now as I type this, I am overwhelmed by this feeling...a realization actually...the realization of the many blessings that are in my life.
  • The consuming love that I am able to feel for and show Emily.
  • Emily's love, commitment, smile, humor, kindness...the list goes on.

  • Everyday I am told and shown that I am loved.

  • Laughter. Each and everyday we laugh.

  • My family: Emily, Karon, Toni, Steve, Ferryn, Amanda, Mindy, Aunt Carolyn, Pappaw, Karter, Bella, Otho, Monster, and even Gertie.

  • The warmth that fills our home.

  • Emily likes to snuggle when she sleeps.

  • Enduring friendships.

  • Bella smiles every time she sees me.

  • The kindness, prayers, love, emails, letters, and support (emotional and financial) that so many people have shared.

  • My Therapists: Robert, Richard, and Ikea. (A girls got needs ya know.)

  • The best pizza in the world is only a mile from my house and costs $1.5o per slice.

  • Framboise.

  • The support of my team, who have made it possible for me to take a leave of absence to focus on the care of my mother.

  • Al-Anon (Never thought I'd say that.)

  • Our new bedding. Love it.

  • Excellent health insurance. If you've got it be thankful. If it's good...get on your knees and thank The Sweet Baby Jeeze or at least your CEO cause man it's a hard-knock life for those who ain't got it.

The list goes on. The point is I am happy. Despite all that may be difficult right now, I am truly happy. This is my with Em in Houston. Thank you Sweet Baby Jeeze, for everything.

Love & Sparkles-
The Sparkly Queen

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reflections Smothered in PB&J

Over the weekend, I received the message below via MySpace from a girl I have known since elementary school.

I am writing this message to you and not really sure where to begin! First off, I know that I wanna say how sorry I am to you! I spent the better part of my 30 yrs thinking that your life was all peanut butter and jelly. I have known you, from a distance of course, since Maplewood days, and prejudged you! I had no idea what you went through all throughout your childhood and apparently throughout your adulthood thus far! After reading some of your blogs several months ago I realized that you were not the person I had always thought you were much more. And today after reading your sparkly queen tales, I found myself with tears in my eyes for more than one reason. I am happy that you have found someone that makes you as happy as Emily does! Take care of you and the family you are making with her. Always remember that you can't change other people (i.e. your family). They are who they are gonna took me a long long time to figure that one out!

This message caused me to reflect on several things...
1. How hard I have worked throughout my life to keep my family's secrets. I am exhausted and cannot do it any longer.

2. How heavy a burden it was for my 8 year-old self to carry so much guilt and shame. These things were not my own to carry, and I am done.

3. Growing up I denied myself the opportunity to truly connect with people by hiding. I will always be true to myself.

4. Peanut Butter and Jelly isn't just for lunch anymore! B.B. thank you so much for your lovely message. This one's for you...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?!

So I'm chatting with my friend at her desk when a call comes in. "An unidentified male has just been shot at the Shell located at 9th and Vine..." I watch her quickly log the notes into her laptop. My stomach, once happy from a dinner of queso, tortilla chips and olives in the shape of penguins, hits the floor. My body quickly fills with lead with each "mhm" or "yeah" that leaves her lips. She is typing fast.

"Just tell me, " I demand. She attempts to reassure me that we don't know anything yet. They might not know...but I do...a sister can feel a loss this great before her mind is able to process the reality.

The waiting...the waiting seemed to take days, but it was only a matter of minutes until my name was called. Called for what? Well clearly, my name was called so I could stand in a line longer than the one for a women's restroom at a lesbian bar on Pride Night. Oh no, not me...nope...not waiting any longer. I need my eyes to catch up with my heart. I literally run, and those of you who know me... you know I DO NOT run, and hop on the elevator.

"Ma'am, it is not your turn. You need to wait until your name is called."
"I need to know RIGHT NOW if that is my brother down there. Fucking take me to him!"

We go down several floors before the elevator stops. She grabs "Jon Doe's" file off the counter behind which a woman sat reading a romance novel, never acknowledging the significance of this moment. Not seeming to realize that in a matter breaths my life as I know it will crumble. I, unfortunately, am acutely aware of all of this. My hair is standing on end, there is a sweet taste in my mouth threatening to evoke vomit and I am numb.

I don't remember much after that, but what I do remember is the car ride home with my dad's sister. Why she was the one to pick me up I will never know. I had a small box on my lap with belongings that were not my own nor my brother's, but instead the jewelry of my brother's killer. My 21 year-old cousin pulled the gun from behind the counter of the classy gas station where she works the night shift. Maybe she was just showing it off...maybe she was offering it to him in exchange for just one more Oxy (a deal my brother would've accepted at one time, but The God Father a.k.a. "Dad" said no more guns...he was putting his foot down.)

I'll pause here for the dramatic "ohhhhhhs." and "ahhhhhhs" that typically follow my dad putting his foot down. That foot stopped carrying weight for me on Christmas of 1996 around 11:00pm. I was finishing up packing for my trip to London, a trip I worked to finance, he came home drunk and.... "I'm putting my foot down! Your not fucking going!" Ummm...yeah...whatever dad. Of course I cried then, but I knew that I would go the next morning regardless of what he said.

Whatever intentions my cousin may have had, it doesn't change the simple fact that in less time than he needed to take a drag off of his Marlboro Light my brother's life was gone. So hours later, riding in my aunt's car I am sickened by the fact that I am holding her shit. A necklace given to her by our grandfather to show his love. My brother is dead, and I'm holding a reminder of how little we mean to this side of the family. They are relieved that he is gone. My dad can "finally get it together without Andrew holding him back." What the fuck ever!

I can't stand is all happening too fast yet I am in slow motion. I look out the car window and see the most amazing sea of colors. "My brother would've liked this." I say to myself. "Oh brother!' This is a guttural sob that comes from somewhere so deep inside it shocks me. The sobs continue as look at the sky, screaming for my brother and mourning his life. Yes mourning his loss...not my own. The loss of his childhood, the loss of time with his son, the loss of the opportunity to live life sober, the loss of the opportunity to see the successful and responsible man that I had faith he would one day become. Me...I'm mourning the loss of time. Time with him...the beautiful, funny, smart, caring, nurturing, and talented young man he once was. The screams continue to rip themselves from my body, leaving behind holes and tears in my soul. I worry that this time, duct tape will not be enough to mend what is broken. Emily reaches from the back seat to comfort me and to try to pull me back from this dark pit into which I have fallen.

She is successful. I am laying next to hear, snuggled in close in our bed in Houston. Em is leaning over me, rubbing my back and arm. Tears are streaming down my face and my breathing is short from the screaming. She couldn't understand what I was saying, but she knew that I needed to be woken up. My nightmare was too much for me to handle. "I've got you," is all she says, wraps her arms around me, and I continue to sob. I am not ready to lose my brother and in so many ways I already have. I want to call him now, hear his voice, tell him how much I love him, but I fear that he will not be in his bed. I am lighter after blogging this out. The medicine ball that lives on my chest is now the size of a manageable peach, which I may snack on later.

Note to Drew
Where ever you are, know that I love you dearly. You are my heart. I have a bond with you that I share with no other person in this world. This bond can never be broken. I need you in my life. I am proud of you for being a survivor. I miss you.

Sissy (The Sparkly Queen)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Dear Family & Friends-

Ihope this finds you all doing very well. As most of you are aware, my mother has been in the hospital and now a nursing home for several months, and I have been spending a lot of time traveling to Indiana to help with arrangements, family care and financial needs.

One of the things my mother now greatly needs is money to pay the deductible on her insurance in order to stay in the nursing home. I have already managed to pay $600 of the $2164.63 total owed in addition to other family debts. Payments toward this deductible in the amount of $521.54 are due by the 15th of each month in addition to the daily $12.80 fee (~$384 per month.) If the deductible is not met in a timely manner, my mother is at risk of being removed from the nursing home.

Now comes the part of this letter that is hard for me. I am financially drained from all the travel and payments, etc., thus far. I am writing to all of you to ask for any assistance you may be able to offer. My hope is that in reaching out to all of you, I may be able to collect enough money to pay the remainder of the deductible so that my mom can stay in the nursing home while she continues to recover from her injuries.

If you are able to make any donation, even if only a few dollars, I would be so incredibly grateful. Donations can be made directly to me, or, if you prefer, I can give you information on making a direct payment to the nursing home. I know times are financially tough for everyone, so I understand if you are not able to donate.

I can't thank you all enough for your emotional support, prayers, and positive thoughts during this ordeal. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for any help you may be able to offer.

Much love,

Please send donations to:
Amanda Gay
2125 Augusta Dr. #41
Houston, TX 77057

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Daddy Dearest

I had a difficult conversation with my Dad today...very difficult. One that included him calling me, "stupid" and hanging up on me. I had no idea that the word "stupid" could cut a person so deeply beyond the first-grade lunch table. But it most certainly can. I've got the marks to prove it. We were arguing about my mother's Medicaid application. Simply put she needs Medicaid to get the medical care she so desperately needs,and he just wants her money; therefore, he wants me to pull her Medicaid application and to start sending him her entire SSI check each month. Not gonna happen. Once I informed him of this he went totally ape-shit crazy. It was like living on 8th street all over again, only this time I am not 13, and I don't have to stand by while he talks to me like an abused dog. I want to find compassion in my heart for him, but I am struggling. I want to believe that he really loves my mother, but I am struggling. I want to not eat that entire pan of brownies downstairs, but I am struggling.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Ummm...I Think I Forgot to Tell You Something!

I can't believe that I have been so wrapped up in my anxiety and family-mama drama that I forgot to mention the fact that I asked Em to marry me. So let me be kind and rewind for a moment.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Somewhere around 7:00 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed and placed a brightly wrapped gift next to Emily as she slept. Then, smooth like Bond, I snuck back into bed to stare her awake. You know what I'm talking about...when you stare so hard at a sleeping person that their subconscious nudges them back into reality in an effort to give them warning that they are being watched. Of course my powerful stare-down worked, and Emily,woke up. So naturally, I snapped my eyes closed and pretended to sleep. This was how the morning of our engagement began. Oh I said smooth like Bond...that's me.

All wrapped up!

Actually, when Emily finally did wake up, she gave me that beautiful smile that I love so much. This perfectly sweet smile is the exact reason why I chose to propose first thing in the morning. I know what you are thinking...sooo not romantic, morning-breath and whatnot. But this is when I love her best. Every morning when Em wakes up she gives me this amazing smile like she is seeing me for the first time. Like she has waited all night for this wake up next to me. Me...sometimes I feel that I do not deserve this kind of love...then I remember how AWESOME I am!

So, anyways, she discovers the package and gets super excited because she thinks I have gotten her a gift to celebrate the beginning of our summer off together.

Who loves a present more than my girl?!

She tears off the paper to find a scrapbook. Yes, you heard right folks. After buying The Complete Idiot's Guide to Scrapbooking, I spent the entire month of June compiling the last 3 months of our lives together into a genuine scrapbook.

Em checkin' out the scrapbook.

When she came to the end, she found her ring tied with a silver ribbon to the final page along with the words, "Today is the day I will ask you to marry me." After that, the rest is a blur. Completely overwhelmed by emotion, I got down on my knees and babbled on about my endless love for her, finally ending with, "Will you marry me?" The only thing about this particular moment that I do remember clearly is the look on her face and the sound of the word "YES" leaving her lips.

Em shows off her ring from James Avery.

If you think she looks happy, you should've seen me. The BEST day of my life!

We spent the morning together kissing and laughing about all of the things to come and how crazy it was that we had found our "person" our "bacon". This was followed by a delicious brunch with her moms (I had asked for their blessing earlier in the week and invited them to meet us as a surprise for Emily) and a couple of our friends at Baba Yega to celebrate. It was wonderful!

Brunch with family and friends.

Gabby and Amanda

Karon and Toni (Emily's Parents)

Emily with her moms.

My new family!

Future Runaway Bride?

More details to come...I promise!

The Sparkly Queen

Emily and me. God she is beautiful!