Friday, October 22, 2010

Not That Kind of Coke

About a year ago, my blog was discovered by the VP or SVP...something like that...of my organization through a random link on fucking Facebook.  I hate fucking Facebook. 

I'll pause here for the shock and awe that comes with such blasphemy.

He thought it might send the "wrong message" to some key partners and "highly suggested" that I remove the filthiness that it contained forever.  So, I pulled it offline but never had the heart to delete the file.  It was a year of my life.  A hard year of working through some serious shit, and it was my place to let it all out and no longer hide my shame.  So, here I am a year later (or something like that) in need of some serious sharing...and screaming.  I have uploaded my old posts and will begin writing again.  

So much has happened since my last post, but I don't think I will spend my time tonight reliving what has been; instead, I need to share some news that I received today.  My brother is in jail.  Not the I got caught with a little pot over-night stay kind of jail...but the I got caught selling cocaine within 1000 ft of a school Class 'A' felony kind of jail.  From what I understand this carries a minimum of 20 years.  He just turned 26 on October 11.  He will miss his son's school years, he will miss the birth of my first child, he will miss the funeral of my Papaw. He will miss so much.

I forgot to call him on his birthday.  Now I can't call him at all.  He is alone, and there is nothing I can do to help him.  To those of you who say, "he got what he deserved", I say go fuck yourself!  This life was chosen for him by parents long ago.  He made a mistake...he has made many...and he will pay dearly with his life and the loss of his child.  This is not justice.  Justice would be my father being in jail for using my brother as his cover.  Justice would be finally getting my brother the counseling and rehab he needs.  Justice would be a fresh start.  But the world is not just my friends.  My heart is aching for him.  I know he is scared, confused, ashamed, and so many other things I probably cannot comprehend.  Please pray for him.  Please ask God to show him give him an opportunity to truly live his be a be my brother.  I need him in my life.  I raised him and protected him until he was 13.  I feel so very helpless.  It makes me hate my father.  I want the guilt to rot his insides, but it won't.  The only thing making him squirm is the thought that my brother might tell them where the "main office" of his business really is.  Michigan Street anyone?  My father will throw him under the bus so fast and not think twice.  Why am I not a lawyer?  Why don't I have a single lawyer friend?  I've got an eye doctor and lots of teacher buddies but what in the hell can they do but hand me a tissue when I cry.  Honestly, they don't really seem to have the compassion to even fucking do that.  I'M JUST SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! I need someone to blame and someone to fix it. Anyone want to take the lead here?