Friday, May 16, 2008

The New Kids Peed All Over Me

This morning NKOTB (New Kids On The Block) "rocked" out in NYC on the Today Show. I have never in my life been so completely weirded out and turned on at the same time. It was kind of like a golden shower...nice and warm in theory, but sooooo not OK in reality...and by sooooo not OK I mean it totally made me dry- heave.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

"You're My Woman..."

I am in love people! In L-O-V-E love! I know, how cliche right? Another lesbian declaring her undying love for a woman she met online only 2 months ago and has only dated for 5 weeks, but I do. I totally love her. I love her endlessly and completely. I love everything about her, and I look forward to that "something new" that I discover everyday that makes me love her more, when I didn't think my heart had anymore room. I love learning about who she is, her history, and who she wants to be. I love her for her complete kindness, her ceaseless affection, her devotion, her honesty, her commitment to her students, the love and respect she has for her family, her mistakes, and her triumphs.

I have always heard people say that when it is the right person you just know, which I honestly thought was some lame line of bullshit to avoid telling you that the person you were dating was a total tool...but no...this is ACTUALLY TRUE. You just know. It's amazing how truly simple it is. I have a hard time finding the words to express how I feel about this fantastic woman who is MY PERSON. She is my person ya know? If I were Jewish, she would be my bashert. If I were Jamila, she'd be my Terrance. If I were Karon, she'd be my Toni. If I were Steve, she'd be my Ferryn. If I were a BLT, she'd totally be my bacon. Shit...if I were Kevin, she'd still be my Bacon!

I have never in my life felt so much joy just by being around someone. She radiates such a warm and positive energy. When I wake up in the morning and she is next to me, everything with the world feels so totally right. I love her best in the mornings. She wakes up with this glowing smile, eyes barely open, soft spoken with a, "Hi Love"...or maybe she will sign something about not wanting to get up and staying in bed with me, and I'll sign back "You're Sexy" cause that's all I really know at this point. This usually makes her blush or laugh, but I always get a kiss for it.

This beautiful woman makes me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before and more often. She challenges me, pushes me to be a better person, encourages me to love myself, comforts me, holds me, and lets me hold her and never pulls away. She inspires me with her strength, respects me and the decisions that I make, surprises me with her silliness, warms me instantly with her touch, and overwhelms me with the unconditional love she offers me everyday.

This is my woman. My person. My love. My heart. Forever.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Ass Condos

Here are a few general updates:

1. I was supposed to go to Indiana this morning to see my family. I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready. It has been almost a year since I saw them last. In June I will try again.

2. In response to my first interview I was told, "We decided to move in another direction." Another direction? Ummm...yeah. Thanks to everyone who wished me well during this process!

3. My former GBF (Gay Best Friend) fell off the face of the earth and resurfaced yesterday with a second-hand invite for dinner since her original plans (which she turned me down for dinner to do) fell through. Thanks but no thanks. She says she was taking a break...hmmmm...would have been nice to know that. Also, she has requested that I find her when I return from my girlfriends ass. Unfortunately, I've pretty much set up camp in said ass and am in the process of building a condo there. It's a REALLY NICE ASS!

4. I am currently eating my pain in Shipley's Do-Nuts. They are delicious but are making my keyboard very sticky.

5. I have two more interviews this week. Maybe this time I won't show up naked, or at least I'll wear pasties. I'll keep you posted.

My new home. I am a very lucky girl.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Life's a Bitch...Then You Lick Her Sweat

On April 24 I had the complete and total honor of meeting the original and ultimate SPARKLY QUEEN Bitch (aka Capital B). Formerly of the kick-ass duo Bitch and Animal, known for rockin' out with their cocks out to tunes like "Best Cock on Block".

Bitch & Animal

Bitch has since moved on and is continuing to "Break This" with her band The Exciting Conclusion (B+TEC=!).

Can I just say that she totally rocked my freakin' world! I had the op to jam out w/ my clam out right in front of the stage man! AWESOME!!!!!! I mean I am pretty positive she was singing to me. Yeah...definitely...she was.

"I want to make-out with you. You are so pretty! Let me tap that ass!"
The lyrics were something like that.

I, of course, was the only person even standing, let alone dancing and worshiping her all up close and personal like. I swear I could lick the sweat from her balls...I mean, if she had balls...and I totally hate balls...ewww...but if she had balls...I'd Tea Bag her. Totally. She seriously rocks my world in a big bad way.

Whaaaat! Is that a fiddle? I think so my friend, I think so.

Yep...she's totally touching me. She grabbed my ass, and I was like, "Whoa! I've got a girlfriend. I mean Bitch...I know I'm hot, but come on." OK, not really. That was me who did the ass grabbing, and she was like, "Whoa! I'm calling security." Whatever.


In a drunkin' stupor I swore that I was going to get this tattooed on my body. Honestly, I meant to. I didn't wash it off for 3 days, then finally I was like...dude, I'm too tired.

All Hail Ye, Bitch! All Hail Ye!

The Sparkly Queen

Friday, May 2, 2008


I have an interview today. I hope I don't inadvertently say "Fuck". Actually, know what would be even worse...if I said "Fuck" on purpose...cause that would make me REAL CRAZY.