Monday, December 15, 2008

Bush, Birkenstocks & Three Agents

I'm sure we've all seen it...the footage of George W. getting a pair of "size 10" Birkenstocks thrown at him. But today, it's not his swift reaction, the cautious lean he takes on after the attack, nor is it his total lack of cultural awareness that I want to discuss. Instead, I would like to bring you some inside conversation from Secret Service Agents #00 , #93, and #69. These are the three guys stationed behind the door to the left of the President. Check them out...

Secret Service Agent #00: "Duuude, I can't believe they pulled me from the mailroom for this shit. Hey...hey...pass me that doobie."

Secret Service Agent #93: "I know right?! So lame. When they asked me if I wanted more action with Bush...well let's just say I thought I was gettin' a new job with the interns."

Secret Service Agent #69: " said, 'bush'."

Secret Service Agent #00: Taking a hit, "Hey...did you see that on the monitor...a shoe! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (pause for fit of coughing) hahahahahahahahaha!" Takes another hit.

Secret Service Agent #93: "Ahhh snap...there goes another one. Guess we better get out there. Wait...don't they put bombs in shoes and shit?"

Secret Service Agent #69: "I think we I remember....Bush should...wait....hahahaha....I said, 'Bush'."

Secret Service Agent #00: Peeking through the crack in the door, "Wait for it....wait for it....ok, they got him...NOW!"

Secret Service Agent #93: Busting through the door, "How did I look? Bad-ass right? Did you see how I kicked the door open? Man that was so T-U-F tough."

Secret Service Guy #00: Looking around, "Wait...what are we supposed to be doing."

Secret Service Agent #69: "Hey...wait up you guys. Whoa...did you all know this room was even in here?! Shit! It's the fuckin' president! I'm totally gettin' his autograph!"

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cocoa That Will Blow Your Mojo

Tonight, one of my future mother-in-laws made the most decadent hot cocoa I have ever had in my entire life and sent us home with an entire milk container. So of course, as soon as we get here, I go into the kitchen armed with a Sharpie and begin to write "cocoa" on the carton. You know, so we don't accidentally waste a drop of its deliciousness on our Chex in the morning. While I was in the kitchen, Emily slinks up behind me and places her hands on my hips:

Emily - "Hey Love! You look super sexy."

Me - No response. Bend over to focus on the neatness of my handwriting.

- Pressing up against me,"Yeah..that's what I'm talking about."

- Fart loudly...die laughing...hit the floor...almost pee my pants.

- "So are you gonna love me up or what?"

What can we conclude from this little exchange?

1. Yes...I am actually THAT hot.
2. Emily has some serious unconditional love for me.
3. Try to get between me and my cocoa, and I will fuck your shit up...or at least blow you away.

Grrrrrrr....Scary Lesbian.

Looking Sexy

Can I just say that, whenever I visit my blog, the picture in the post below frightens me...a lot.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Snow in Houston and Other Miracles

After four full days of of being trapped inside the hell-hole of my head, I am finally back. Tuesday morning I called Dr. "P" and told him of my misery.
"Yeah, Dr. "P" I'm feelin' real cray-cray and apparently gassy."

We increased the Celexa to 60mg, and by about 9:00 P.M. I started to notice a difference. Then today, at approximately 1:39 P.M., during Days of Our Lives I sort of woke-up...the fog was lifted. I was no longer watching my life from some distant place inside of myself. No more withdrawals. Of course nothing is perfect, I am somewhat hyperactive and still can't stop eating despite the never-ending irritation that is my tummy-ache...but all in all things are good. I am happy and totally present.

Me in reality. Present. Happy.

In addition, it is SNOWING here in Houston! And not that piddly-ass-sleet shit that folks around here like to call "snow", but real, legitimate, stick-to-your-car-and-eyelashes, fluffy flakes of snow. It is like a miracle! Makes me want to run through my apartment complex like Tiny Tim on crack yelling, "Merry Christmas One and All...even that girl in apartment #45!" But in an effort to avoid arrest, I will just quietly thank The Baby Jesus for the miracles of Dr. "P", Celexa, Texas Snow, giving Em the will to stick it out and for saving me before I lost anymore brain cells trying to understand how Patrick became Brady on Days of Our Lives.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
P.S. That white car is in the controversial parking spot of apt. #45. You know we almost threw-down, but she was too scared. I think she could sense that I took one semester of Hopkido freshman year of college. I'm just sayin'.

The Red Rabbit frolicking in the snow. She is cold but very happy!

The view of our upstairs window through the falling Houston Snow.

Attempt #1 at a self-portrait. Apparently still gassy.

Attempt #2. Whatever, I was having fun!

Ok, I'm totally tapped out.
Until next time...Peace, Love, and Hair-Grease~
The Sparkly Queen

One more thing...the word "frolicking" has the word "lick" in it. I right?! (You know you wanna chest-bump me.)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Doctor "P", Puppies, and Did Somebody Say "Brain Shivers"

Finally, I met with Doctor "P" on Saturday. After a 2 hour session, I walked out with new prescriptions in hand feeling hopeful (Insert Canned Laughter). God knows I can't laugh myself.

We are doing a "direct switch" in order to get me off of the Side-Effexor and to minimize the withdrawal symptoms. What this means is that I substituted my 150mg of Effexor with 40mg Celexa to help with the SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome.

This experience feels more like an exorcism, and I am worried that when everyone yells "Praise Jesus!", "Hail Mary, Mother of God.",or "Long Live the Flying Spaghetti Monster!" and I open my eyes, soaked with sweat, dried vomit on my chin..I will discover that the body count I have left behind will be too many for me to bare.

PUPPY! After doing a quick Google search for "exorcism" images to insert here...I was so damned disturbed I had to Google "Puppy". So yaaay...Puppy!

I am a heinous bitch (aka "agitated"), exhausted, irrational, dizzy, tired, experiencing some depersonalization, having "brain shivers", having shock-like sensations that involve me actually seeing lightening-bolts behind my eyes, I can't focus, my nightmares are more graphic and violent than ever and the thoughts of cutting...burning...eating until I explode are starting to run my life.

On top of all of this comes the guilt I feel for putting Em through this. She deserves better...much better. I made her cry last night. Not good people...not good at all. As a result of the guilt, I dream nightly of my engagement ring crumbling and Emily telling me she has other plans for August 1.

So....yeah...still super-disturbed by my Google search (Seriously...super fucked up). So yaaay..PUPPY TIME!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Dyke-Duo Does Thanksgiving

Once upon a time, Princess Emily and her sinful yet sparkly Luva were invited to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her father, The Reverend, and his family. In preparation, the lesbians practiced not dry-humping in public and avoided the words "fuck" and "pussy". In addition, the sparkly luva became a florist...making lovely arrangements as an offering of of peace.

The first was a collection of hydrangeas for the stepmother.

The second, a colorful arrangement of carnations for Opal-Pearl, Princess Emily's wonderful grandmother whom they both adored.
And so the trip began. The dyke-duo hop on their little red Rabbit and begin the journey to Johnson City. The sky was gray and rain was falling. Some might've called this foreshadowing.
As the little red Rabbit grew nearer to Johnson City, the dyke-duo became a wee bit anxious. The Luva got a pretty-little red "Happy F'ing Thanksgiving" zit.
And Princess Emily began to frantically binge on sunflower seeds.
Then looming in the distance, there it was...Jones Town...I mean Johnson City.
The family was quite happy that their Princess had returned home to them, but they were not quite sure what to make of her sinful Luva. someone missing from this picture?
To determine her worthiness, The Luva was challenged by the family to an unusual game called Blarney Ball.
David, Princess Emily's brother-in-law, having earned his way in long ago tried to help the Luva by showing her how it was done.
The crowd looked on in suspense.
Unfortunately, the Sinful-Sparkly Luva did not rise to the challenge. And so she was banned to the swings. At first she was disappointed, but then decided to enjoy the silence and what had turned out to be a beautiful day.
Note to self: You are too short to be wearing pants like that.
Once her Luva was banished, Princess Emily was able to spend some quality time with her father, which was good. For the moment, they were both happy for they had missed eachother dearly, and The Reverend loved his daughter fiercely.
Finally! Opal-Pearl arrived!
"Mexican train anyone?" asked Opal-Pearl.
The sinful, yet sparkly, Luva had a great time.

The next morning the Dyke-Duo headed to Curra's in South Austin for a late breakfast, mimosas, and good company with the Beautiful Andrea.

Andrea is shocked to hear the Duo's Thanksgiving woes.

2 cups of coffee, 1 Bloody Mary, 2 Mimosas, 1 Iced Tea, 1 plate of eggs w/beans and 4 breakfast tacos later...the friends were happy.
Princess Emily and her Sparkly-Sinful Luva wave goodbye to Curra's, South Austin, and Andrea to begin their journey back home to Houston. On the way, they were sure to make frequent stops to dry-hump, say "Fuck", and yell "Pussy" like all good lesbians do.
The End
Note from the Sparkly Queen:
In all seriousness, I was very grateful to have the opportunity to meet Emily's father and his family. I know that it was a huge step toward not only accepting me, but also toward fully accepting Emily by inviting us to share their holiday. Some parts were very difficult, but others were wonderful. The food was great! Her stepmother did her absolute best to make me feel at home. By the end of the evening, her father hugged me goodbye and let me know that I was welcome back. Em's brother-in-law was very funny and her sister-in-law sweet. I feel closer to my partner now that I have a full picture of where she comes from. I have so much admiration and respect for her...always being true to herself no matter how difficult others may make it. In addition, I feel honored that it was important to her to introduce me to her father, knowing it would have been much easier for her to go without me. Em, if you are reading this...I fucking love you, you crazy pussy! Now let's dry-hump.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Side - Effexor

Night 6 without Prince Ambien to sing me a sweet lullaby, and I am back to being a certified Insomniac. Not only am I suffering from insomnia, but I am also suffering from a bad case of the crazies. This, my friends, can be attributed to 3 things:
  1. I have slept a total of 24 hours in the past 6 days w/out a nap to speak of.
  2. I have a pretty good case of depression with a healthy dose of "generalized anxiety disorder."
  3. In an effort to treat problem #2, I take a little daily pill known as EFFEXOR.
For the purpose of today's blog. I would like to focus on item #3. If I could kick Effexor's ass I would. I would beat his fugly ass until he went cryin' home to his mama. Why you ask? One word...


When taking Effexor you should "call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms" such as:
  • mood or behavior changes: I am a cunt-ass-whore 92.7% of the time.
  • anxiety: Uhhh...yeah! I have generalized anxiety disorder. Damn Gina!
  • panic attacks: So that's what that was a few nights ago when I woke up, thought I was dying and going to jump out of my skin.
  • trouble sleeping: Ummmm....Check.
  • if you feel impulsive: Would an example of this be when I went around our apartment complex at 7:00pm knocking on doors to discover whose mother-fucking car was blocking me in?! I didn't need to go was the principle of it.
  • irritable: Please see "impulsive."
  • agitated: Constantly.
  • hostile: Wanted to bitch-slap the owner of said car mentioned above. Was actually upset that I showed restraint.
  • aggressive: See "hostile"and note my constant use of the word "Fuck"
  • hyperactive (mentally or physically): I've loaded the dishwasher, made some tea, planned a Meetup for my 200+ members, brainstormed the process for starting my own book-club, and am blogging like a maniac and it's only 5:00 am...what do you think?
  • more depressed: This one just makes me chuckle.
  • have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself: Maybe this is where my new urges to burn and cut are coming from.
  • nausea: Yep.
  • dizziness: Word.
  • sexual side effects: This is a nice way of saying, "you'll still get super turned on, but good-luck with that cumming thing."
  • sweating: My face...oh God...the sweating of my face.
  • dry mouth: Like I've been talkin' to the Ganj day and night.
  • loss of appetite: Of course...this would be the one side-effect I don't have.
  • constipation: I wouldn't know a turd if it slapped me in the face and called me sweetheart. (TMI)

Well, at this point my options seem to be limited. I have tried just about every drug on the market and not one of them has worked. I was told by my doctor that this was my "last hope." I assure you, this is not hope. This is a one way ticket to jail or hell cause I am going to end up killing somebody or myself. I've tried not taking it. Within 12 hours of a missed dose the withdrawal symptoms
are so intense I can hardly function. Fear not my friends. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist who we'll call Dr. P. He's coming in at 8:00am on Saturday just for me. Until then, I'll be sure to have Emily keep my straight-jacket straps tight and pray that one day soon my Prince will cum...I mean come.


Feedback for Effexor

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Effexor is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SSNRI

You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking an antidepressant, especially if you are younger than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at least the first 12 weeks of treatment.

Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can increase some of the side effects of Effexor. It may take 4 weeks or more for your symptoms to improve. For best results, keep using the medication as directed. Do not stop using Effexor without first talking to your doctor. You may have unpleasant side effects if you stop taking this medication suddenly.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Granny Panties and Google

I am in a post-holiday funk. One that has me sprawled out on the sofa in my granny-panties and ankle socks in an endless web-surfing coma that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I cancelled my therapy appointment with Robert and ate a brownie. Fun times.