Laying in bed the tears force their way through the dam that I have so carefully constructed. They come spilling over, forcing me cry out in ways I never want to hear again. Em's hearing aids are out for the night, so if I am careful she won't know. I sit in the bathroom in the dark...muffled sobs.
Begging God...for what I don't know...just begging.
Then a more sensible Amanda comes forward to "clean up this mess. You don't have time for all of this. You have work tomorrow. Plus you are being overly dramatic." So I did, then back to bed. But damn-it! The tears are back and in full force. The pain is overwhelming, the anxiety...I am on the verge of a panic attack. So now what do I do?! My mind is racing for a solution. Burning myself, cutting myself, gorging my face until I am sick...all are reliable options for making the tears and all of the emotions that go along with it disappear. I don't want to cut, so I settle for nail clippers...cutting my nails so short until they hurt...cutting cuticles. It's not working. Tonight I have two options; a razor or the cold mac-n-cheese in the fridge.
The brutal hiccups that I have as I type this should help you determine which path I chose. And I am at peace. The feelings have been stuffed. I will survive one more night. But this can't go on. In the last 2 months I have gained 20 lbs from all of the food-stuffing I have been doing. It's like I am trying to destroy myself, but if I am destroying myself who will save me? No one. I have no one. My mother, father, and brother are no longer capable of being there for me...I'm not sure they ever were. I was the mama there.
I am so scared that my wedding day is going to come and I won't be able to feel the love and excitement that the day will most definitely be filled with. I will be stuck in this fog, crying for my mother...wishing she could be there healthy and sober to help me choose my dress, and to tell me how beautiful I look, and how happy she is for me that I found someone to love me unconditionally who takes care of me the way my dad wasn't able to take care of here. She will cry a tear at our beautiful ceremony and dance to "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge. Smiling...happy...healthy. But that will not be. So as I work to plan this wedding into perfection with the hopes that it all will be just enough to distract me from the one thing that will be missing. My mother...my Mom. My family has ruined so many things in my life and have taken and taken until I have nothing to give...how do I keep them from taking this too?
Sorry for the somber entry, but it truly feels like sumo wrestler has be lifted from my chest. Until next time friends.
The Sparkly Queen