Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hide & Seek

I am still in hiding. Today I am hiding from the doctor...oh and my personal trainer. I am supposed to call his office today for my mom's test results (the doctor's...not the personal trainer's.) I totally do not feel ready. Not that my readiness has any impact at all on the cancer that may or may not be inside of my mother.

I am not ready to hear that it is in fact cancer, but I'm also not prepared to hear that it is not. No...I do no
t wish for my mother to have cancer, but what I do want is an answer for her deterioration that goes beyond the drug use. I need for her suffering and my mourning to stop...I need an ending. I am constantly mourning the loss of my mother, and the reality is that I lost her a long time ago. I need to stop hiding in this dark mourning dress. When I finally do make it through the layers of black silk and french netting what will I find? According to my personal trainer a pretty hot bod...that is, if I'd stop hiding from him. But beyond the string bikini....will I find relief...happiness...comfort...myself?

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