Father and The Other "F" Word

The nursing home called me today to let me know that they are sending my mom home. They informed me that her release date was scheduled for February 16, but my dad requested that she be home for Valentine's Day. Isn't he so romantical (please read with the utmost sarcasm). I was prepared for this day. I knew it was coming. My mother is not making any progress, has been sneaking and getting high, refusing to eat, and her weight has dropped to 98 pounds. There is nothing more that the nursing home can do for her. I have come to terms with this. My mother is not going to get any better. I agree that she should be allowed to go home and live whatever time she has left however she wants to live it...if that is with my dad...if that is totally loaded...whatever. I want just want her to find some sense of happiness.

What I am struggling with is that my dad is refusing any in-home health care for my mom. The bastard "doesn't need any help". Well tough shit mother-fucker this isn't about you...this is about my mother. Such a hard concept to grasp when your head is so far up your ass and your nose is so full of Oxy that you think the entire world revolves around you. Clearly, this makes me feel nothing but hate for him. It makes me want to call him every mother-fucking nasty name I can fucking think of. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Side - Effexor

Night 6 without Prince Ambien to sing me a sweet lullaby, and I am back to being a certified Insomniac. Not only am I suffering from insomnia, but I am also suffering from a bad case of the crazies. This, my friends, can be attributed to 3 things:

1. I have slept a total of 24 hours in the past 6 days w/out a nap to speak of.
   
2. I have a pretty good case of depression with a healthy dose of "generalized anxiety disorder."
3. In an effort to treat problem #2, I take a little daily pill known as EFFEXOR.

For the purpose of today's blog. I would like to focus on item #3. If I could kick Effexor's ass I would. I would beat his fugly ass until he went cryin' home to his mama. Why you ask? One word...

SIDE EFFECTS

When taking Effexor you should "call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms" such as:

• mood or behavior changes: I am a cunt-ass-whore 92.7% of the time.
• anxiety: Uhhh...yeah! I have generalized anxiety disorder. Damn Gina!
  
• panic attacks: So that's what that was a few nights ago when I woke up, thought I was dying and going to jump out of my skin.
• trouble sleeping: Ummmm....Check.
  
• if you feel impulsive: Would an example of this be when I went around our apartment complex at 7:00pm knocking on doors to discover whose mother-fucking car was blocking me in?! I didn't need to go anywhere...it was the principle of it.
  
• irritable: Please see "impulsive."
  
• agitated: Constantly.
  
• hostile: Wanted to bitch-slap the owner of said car mentioned above. Was actually upset that I showed restraint.
  
• aggressive: See "hostile"and note my constant use of the word "Fuck"
• hyperactive (mentally or physically): I've loaded the dishwasher, made some tea, planned a Meetup for my 200+ members, brainstormed the process for starting my own book-club, and am blogging like a maniac and it's only 5:00 am...what do you think?
• more depressed: This one just makes me chuckle.
  
• have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself: Maybe this is where my new urges to burn and cut are coming from.
• nausea: Yep.
  
• dizziness: Word.
  
• sexual side effects: This is a nice way of saying, "you'll still get super turned on, but good-luck with that cumming thing."
  
• sweating: My face...oh God...the sweating of my face.
  
• dry mouth: Like I've been talkin' to the Ganj day and night.
  
• loss of appetite: Of course...this would be the one side-effect I don't have.
  
• constipation: I wouldn't know a turd if it slapped me in the face and called me sweetheart. (TMI)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Well, at this point my options seem to be limited. I have tried just about every drug on the market and not one of them has worked. I was told by my doctor that this was my "last hope." I assure you, this is not hope. This is a one way ticket to jail or hell cause I am going to end up killing somebody or myself. I've tried not taking it. Within 12 hours of a missed dose the withdrawal symptoms are so intense I can hardly function. Fear not my friends. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist who we'll call Dr. P. He's coming in at 8:00am on Saturday just for me. Until then, I'll be sure to have Emily keep my straight-jacket straps tight and pray that one day soon my Prince will cum...I mean come.

If She's Elected I'm Getting a Sex-Change

Sarah Palin makes me ashamed to admit that I have two "X" chromosomes. Come on...do you really need to ask why?

1. She thinks that the vice president is in charge of the Senate, so if she wants to she can "really get in there" and make some changes.

2. "Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

3. "I don't know if you're going to use the word 'terrorist' there." --Sarah Palin, asked if people who bomb abortion clinics are terrorists, NBC News interview, Oct. 23, 2008

4. I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also." --Sarah Palin, on not answering the questions in the vice presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 2, 2008

5. "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." --Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS News interview, Sept. 24, 2008

6. "Our opponent though, is someone who sees America it seems as being so imperfect that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country."

7. "One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly, and she is not my "gay" friend, she is one of my best friends, who happens to have made a choice that isn't a choice that I have made, but ... I'm not gonna judge people."

8. "And how long have I been at this, like five weeks?"

9. She is campaigning with Elizabeth Hasslebeck.

10. She bought her own $35 wedding ring and thought it was important enough to share during a rally.

Talkin' Trump

I have never been so damn tired in my entire life. Last week I worked 118 hours. No, that is not an exaggeration. I do not even want to know how many hours I have worked this week. OUT OF CONTROL!

I have not blogged in almost one month, which can't be healthy. This is my outlet. I need this as a release; however, word on the street is that folks can't even blog anymore without the boss man gettin' all irate...up your ass...talking about firing people like some low-grade Donald Trump. This, in my opinion, is BULL SHIT! I should not have to worry that my organization is scanning my laptop, or the net looking to catch me doing something "naughty". What the "F" ever.

During a meeting w/ a University that shall remain unnamed, they informed me that one of my "clients" had some concerns about the condition of one of their dorm rooms (please do not even begin to question why my "clients" are in dorm rooms). I inquired, "When did my client approach you?" They responded, "Oh, they didn't. We read it in their blog. Actually, there are several blogs that mention this..." I'm all like hold up...you got this blog info how?! Then they had the balls to ask if they could follow-up w/ these bloggers directly. I'm like, yes by all means. Please tell my "clients" that you are stalking their every move online. That is EXACTLY what I need to happen in the very god-forsaken moment. Actually, I just said, "No. That cannot happen." Good lord people.

Totally insane if you ask me. F-ing ridiculous. Yeah, I talk a big game, but I am now debating if this little blog of mine will need to go. Until I decide...FUCK THE MAN!

Volleyballs & Wet Dreams

OH MY GOD! Seriously?! There I was in dream land, which since meeting my VW who by the way is now my GF if I haven't said that already...whatever, I know I did...I'm just happy about it...anyway, back to dream land. So there I was in dream land with her and her beautiful smile and soft skin, when out of know where I hear, "I DON'T WANT PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!" My eyes fly wide open, she disappears and I'm left with my skin on fire and a feeling of, "WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!" Now, given the peanut butter statement above, you might think that this was a 2 year old in the hall-way. Nope. That would be the mother-fucking high-school volleyball team who is eating breakfast in the room next to mine. All of a sudden my ears fill with their screams, laughs, and parents. Where is that mute button located? At this point it was 6:20 in the morning, and I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 2:00 am. THIS IS NOT OK!!!

Oh, yeah...did I mention my pimp put me up in the hotel so I wouldn't have to be on the ho-stroll all night? It's great, the Johns just send me a text and I'm all like, "What up" and that's that. Wham Bam, that will be $750 please. Actually, no, that's not true. I'm here for a 3 day work conference where I need to be on my game and ready to train my team so they can go out and impact student achievement. The question remains...how in the hell am I supposed to do that when the students are in the god-forsaken suite next to me bitching about PB&Js and their helicopter parents are laughing so f-ing loud, and I can't finish my f-ing wet dream. SHIT PEOPLE!

Oh...I hope everyone has a great day :)

"Take that BITCHES!"

Meet the Parents

It is completely fascinating to me how opinionated people can be and how entitled they feel to that opinion. What fascinates me even more is how they don't recognize their opinion as an "opinion" but an actual fact. I am so fucking pissed right now, and I can't even articulate exactly why...so maybe, just maybe if I ramble for a bit I will figure it out.

So here's the deal...I'm sitting w/ a group of folks who shall remain anonymous, so for our purposes today we will call them LaFonda, Matilda, Irma, Pie Head, The Intern, and Boss Lady. Anyways, we are eating Jimmy Johns (which, side note, is a total FATGASM) in the conference room when I turn to LaFonda and quietly mention that I am meeting "The Girl's" parents on Sunday. This is what they call her as if I have a harem of women and they just can't keep the name straight. Anyway, usually I find this funny, but today I seem to be feeling a little "sensi". The conversation went a little something like this:

LaFonda: "Wait..hold on. What..tell me you are joking?!"

Me: "No, I'm serious...what?"

LaFonda: "You can't do that. You two just met, and you know how you are."

Me: "How am I exactly?"

LaFonda: "Boss Lady what do you think about this? She emailed w/ this girl for about a month, they met on Sunday, and now they are dating or something and she wants to meet the parents."

Boss Lady: "Oh...yeah...no...don't want to do that."

Me: "What's the big deal? I don't fucking get this issue here."

Boss Lady: "The next thing you know you are going to be talking about living together and then you'll really be in a mess."

Me: "I'm not going to do that!"

Pie Head: "She's done it before."

Me: "Pie Head...come on! I learned my lesson, that is not going to happen."

Matilda: "What's she talking about? Sparkly Queen...what in the hell are you talking about now?"

LaFonda: "She's talking about meeting The Girl's parents."

Matilda: "Oh HELL NO!"

Me: "Damn LaFonda, why do you have to put my shit out there?!"

Pause for argument that ensues over putting my shit out there.

Me: "So what is the appropriate timeline for meeting someones parents?"

LaFonda: "There is no perfect time, that's not what I am saying."

Me: "So then why not Sunday?"

LaFonda: "You don't know that this is going anywhere."

Me: "Whatever...I'm done talking about this."

So...
1. I'm super pissed that LaFonda can't keep a conversation between the two of us or express her concern in a less condescending and attacking sort of way.

2. I just really don't feel like this is their business or understand why they feel so strongly about it.

With that said, I am left with the following...I am sure that this comes from a place of concern for my happiness and the well-being of my heart. I have on occasion fallen pretty hard for people and pretty fast. I must say though, never this hard or this fast (hahaha I said hard and fast.) I suppose it is true that I don't know her fully yet, but isn't this part of it? Aren't they part of who she is? Isn't this part of getting to know her?

At the end of the day, I am going to do what makes me happy...and she makes me so happy. That's all that matters as far as I'm concerned. Oh...and they are really going to shit when they discover that "The Girl" is actually "The Girlfriend." Yeah...I know GBFF, you were right. I owe you a beer.

Don't Forget to Flush?

"Another 14 year-old gives birth in the bathroom." What?! I don't know what disturbs me more, the use of the word "another" or the calm, smiley demeanor of the news anchor sharing the story. From what I can gather, the 8th grader tried to flush the baby, ultimately drowning the baby in the process. How does something like that happen? I'm not going to get all creepy, preachy, and soap-boxy but I just can't wrap my head around the following:

1. How did her parents or teachers not notice that she was pregnant? I mean, I know Bette didn't notice that Tina was knocked up (get real Ilene). I mean, come on people, we're constantly looking for the next "baby bump" in OK magazine, but a 14 year-old pregnant girl waddling around a middle school we don't notice.



2. Did she not have a single friend who was like, "Hmmm...she's prolly' going to pop that baby out sometime soon...wonder what she's gonna do...maybe I should tell somebody."



3. You know that had to hurt like a bitch...did they not hear her in the f-ing school bathroom?



4. Regardless of how young or scared she was, how could she possibly think that flushing an infant was a good idea?

This makes my heart hurt people. Truly it does.

In happier news, I read on Dooce that a baby kangaroo was saved by a dog. At least something is right with world.