HAPPINESS IS...

LOVE.

Cocoa That Will Blow Your Mojo

Tonight, one of my future mother-in-laws made the most decadent hot cocoa I have ever had in my entire life and sent us home with an entire milk container. So of course, as soon as we get here, I go into the kitchen armed with a Sharpie and begin to write "cocoa" on the carton. You know, so we don't accidentally waste a drop of its deliciousness on our Chex in the morning. While I was in the kitchen, Emily slinks up behind me and places her hands on my hips:

Emily - "Hey Love! You look super sexy."

Me - No response. Bend over to focus on the neatness of my handwriting.

Emily - Pressing up against me,"Yeah..that's what I'm talking about."

Me - Fart loudly...die laughing...hit the floor...almost pee my pants.

Emily - "So are you gonna love me up or what?"

What can we conclude from this little exchange?
1. Yes...I am actually THAT hot.
2. Emily has some serious unconditional love for me.
3. Try to get between me and my cocoa, and I will fuck your shit up...or at least blow you away.

Grrrrrrr....Scary Lesbian.

Doctor "P", Puppies, and Did Somebody Say "Brain Shivers"

Finally, I met with Doctor "P" on Saturday. After a 2 hour session, I walked out with new prescriptions in hand feeling hopeful (Insert Canned Laughter). God knows I can't laugh myself.

We are doing a "direct switch" in order to get me off of the Side-Effexor and to minimize the withdrawal symptoms. What this means is that I substituted my 150mg of Effexor with 40mg Celexa to help with the SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome.

This experience feels more like an exorcism, and I am worried that when everyone yells "Praise Jesus!", "Hail Mary, Mother of God.",or "Long Live the Flying Spaghetti Monster!" and I open my eyes, soaked with sweat, dried vomit on my chin..I will discover that the body count I have left behind will be too many for me to bare.

PUPPY! After doing a quick Google search for "exorcism" images to insert here...I was so damned disturbed I had to Google "Puppy". So yaaay...Puppy!

I am a heinous bitch (aka "agitated"), exhausted, irrational, dizzy, tired, experiencing some depersonalization, having "brain shivers", having shock-like sensations that involve me actually seeing lightening-bolts behind my eyes, I can't focus, my nightmares are more graphic and violent than ever and the thoughts of cutting...burning...eating until I explode are starting to run my life.

On top of all of this comes the guilt I feel for putting Em through this. She deserves better...much better. I made her cry last night. Not good people...not good at all. As a result of the guilt, I dream nightly of my engagement ring crumbling and Emily telling me she has other plans for August 1.

So....yeah...still super-disturbed by my Google search (Seriously...super fucked up). So yaaay..PUPPY TIME!

The Dyke-Duo Does Thanksgiving

Once upon a time, Princess Emily and her sinful yet sparkly Luva were invited to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her father, The Reverend, and his family. In preparation, the lesbians practiced not dry-humping in public and avoided the words "fuck" and "pussy". In addition, the sparkly luva became a florist...making lovely arrangements as an offering of of peace.

The first was a collection of hydrangeas for the stepmother.

The second, a colorful arrangement of carnations for Opal-Pearl, Princess Emily's wonderful grandmother whom they both adored.

And so the trip began. The dyke-duo hop on their little red Rabbit and begin the journey to Johnson City. The sky was gray and rain was falling. Some might've called this foreshadowing.

As the little red Rabbit grew nearer to Johnson City, the dyke-duo became a wee bit anxious. The Luva got a pretty-little red "Happy F'ing Thanksgiving" zit.

And Princess Emily began to frantically binge on sunflower seeds.

Then looming in the distance, there it was...Jones Town...I mean Johnson City.

The family was quite happy that their Princess had returned home to them, but they were not quite sure what to make of her sinful Luva. Hmmm....is someone missing from this picture?

To determine her worthiness, The Luva was challenged by the family to an unusual game called Blarney Ball.

David, Princess Emily's brother-in-law, having earned his way in long ago tried to help the Luva by showing her how it was done.

The crowd looked on in suspense.

Unfortunately, the Sinful-Sparkly Luva did not rise to the challenge. And so she was banned to the swings. At first she was disappointed, but then decided to enjoy the silence and what had turned out to be a beautiful day.

Note to self: You are too short to be wearing pants like that.

Once her Luva was banished, Princess Emily was able to spend some quality time with her father, which was good. For the moment, they were both happy for they had missed eachother dearly, and The Reverend loved his daughter fiercely.

Finally! Opal-Pearl arrived!

"Mexican train anyone?" asked Opal-Pearl.

The sinful, yet sparkly, Luva had a great time.

The next morning the Dyke-Duo headed to Curra's in South Austin for a late breakfast, mimosas, and good company with the Beautiful Andrea.

Andrea is shocked to hear the Duo's Thanksgiving woes.

2 cups of coffee, 1 Bloody Mary, 2 Mimosas, 1 Iced Tea, 1 plate of eggs w/beans and 4 breakfast tacos later...the friends were happy.

Princess Emily and her Sparkly-Sinful Luva wave goodbye to Curra's, South Austin, and Andrea to begin their journey back home to Houston. On the way, they were sure to make frequent stops to dry-hump, say "Fuck", and yell "Pussy" like all good lesbians do.

The End

Note from the Sparkly Queen:

In all seriousness, I was very grateful to have the opportunity to meet Emily's father and his family. I know that it was a huge step toward not only accepting me, but also toward fully accepting Emily by inviting us to share their holiday. Some parts were very difficult, but others were wonderful. The food was great! Her stepmother did her absolute best to make me feel at home. By the end of the evening, her father hugged me goodbye and let me know that I was welcome back. Em's brother-in-law was very funny and her sister-in-law sweet. I feel closer to my partner now that I have a full picture of where she comes from. I have so much admiration and respect for her...always being true to herself no matter how difficult others may make it. In addition, I feel honored that it was important to her to introduce me to her father, knowing it would have been much easier for her to go without me. Em, if you are reading this...I fucking love you, you crazy pussy! Now let's dry-hump.

From Emily

...and the leaves on the ground

are crisp from the fall

the orange and the red
and the beauty of it all

it's autumn, my love
our first together

I love you now,
and in all other weather.

~Emily

From Emily

... and the leaves on the ground
are crisp from the fall

the orange and the red
and the beauty of it all

it's autumn, my love
our first together

I love you now,
and in all other weather.

~Emily

Blessings & Baby Jeeze

Sitting on the landing of our stairs tonight, I took a moment to let in the silence. Above me Emily was sleeping and below me was our lovely home. I smiled...actually, I smiled so big I became a little self-conscious. Realizing that it was just me and Otho (the cat) I allowed myself to take in the peaceful joy that surrounded me. Even now as I type this, I am overwhelmed by this feeling...a realization actually...the realization of the many blessings that are in my life.

• The consuming love that I am able to feel for and show Emily.
  
• Emily's love, commitment, smile, humor, kindness...the list goes on.


• Everyday I am told and shown that I am loved.


• Laughter. Each and everyday we laugh.


• My family: Emily, Karon, Toni, Steve, Ferryn, Amanda, Mindy, Aunt Carolyn, Pappaw, Karter, Bella, Otho, Monster, and even Gertie.


• The warmth that fills our home.


• Emily likes to snuggle when she sleeps.


• Enduring friendships.


• Bella smiles every time she sees me.


• The kindness, prayers, love, emails, letters, and support (emotional and financial) that so many people have shared.


• My Therapists: Robert, Richard, and Ikea. (A girls got needs ya know.)


• The best pizza in the world is only a mile from my house and costs $1.5o per slice.


• Framboise.


• The support of my team, who have made it possible for me to take a leave of absence to focus on the care of my mother.


• Al-Anon (Never thought I'd say that.)


• Our new bedding. Love it.


• Excellent health insurance. If you've got it be thankful. If it's good...get on your knees and thank The Sweet Baby Jeeze or at least your CEO cause man it's a hard-knock life for those who ain't got it.

The list goes on. The point is I am happy. Despite all that may be difficult right now, I am truly happy. This is my life...here with Em in Houston. Thank you Sweet Baby Jeeze, for everything.

Love & Sparkles-
The Sparkly Queen

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?!

So I'm chatting with my friend at her desk when a call comes in. "An unidentified male has just been shot at the Shell located at 9th and Vine..." I watch her quickly log the notes into her laptop. My stomach, once happy from a dinner of queso, tortilla chips and olives in the shape of penguins, hits the floor. My body quickly fills with lead with each "mhm" or "yeah" that leaves her lips. She is typing fast.

"Just tell me, " I demand. She attempts to reassure me that we don't know anything yet. They might not know...but I do...a sister can feel a loss this great before her mind is able to process the reality.

The waiting...the waiting seemed to take days, but it was only a matter of minutes until my name was called. Called for what? Well clearly, my name was called so I could stand in a line longer than the one for a women's restroom at a lesbian bar on Pride Night. Oh no, not me...nope...not waiting any longer. I need my eyes to catch up with my heart. I literally run, and those of you who know me... you know I DO NOT run, and hop on the elevator.

"Ma'am, it is not your turn. You need to wait until your name is called."
"I need to know RIGHT NOW if that is my brother down there. Fucking take me to him!"

We go down several floors before the elevator stops. She grabs "Jon Doe's" file off the counter behind which a woman sat reading a romance novel, never acknowledging the significance of this moment. Not seeming to realize that in a matter breaths my life as I know it will crumble. I, unfortunately, am acutely aware of all of this. My hair is standing on end, there is a sweet taste in my mouth threatening to evoke vomit and I am numb.

I don't remember much after that, but what I do remember is the car ride home with my dad's sister. Why she was the one to pick me up I will never know. I had a small box on my lap with belongings that were not my own nor my brother's, but instead the jewelry of my brother's killer. My 21 year-old cousin pulled the gun from behind the counter of the classy gas station where she works the night shift. Maybe she was just showing it off...maybe she was offering it to him in exchange for just one more Oxy (a deal my brother would've accepted at one time, but The God Father a.k.a. "Dad" said no more guns...he was putting his foot down.)

I'll pause here for the dramatic "ohhhhhhs." and "ahhhhhhs" that typically follow my dad putting his foot down. That foot stopped carrying weight for me on Christmas of 1996 around 11:00pm. I was finishing up packing for my trip to London, a trip I worked to finance, he came home drunk and.... "I'm putting my foot down! Your not fucking going!" Ummm...yeah...whatever dad. Of course I cried then, but I knew that I would go the next morning regardless of what he said.

Whatever intentions my cousin may have had, it doesn't change the simple fact that in less time than he needed to take a drag off of his Marlboro Light my brother's life was gone. So hours later, riding in my aunt's car I am sickened by the fact that I am holding her shit. A necklace given to her by our grandfather to show his love. My brother is dead, and I'm holding a reminder of how little we mean to this side of the family. They are relieved that he is gone. My dad can "finally get it together without Andrew holding him back." What the fuck ever!

I can't stand it...it is all happening too fast yet I am in slow motion. I look out the car window and see the most amazing sea of colors. "My brother would've liked this." I say to myself. "Oh God...my brother!' This is a guttural sob that comes from somewhere so deep inside it shocks me. The sobs continue as look at the sky, screaming for my brother and mourning his life. Yes mourning his loss...not my own. The loss of his childhood, the loss of time with his son, the loss of the opportunity to live life sober, the loss of the opportunity to see the successful and responsible man that I had faith he would one day become. Me...I'm mourning the loss of time. Time with him...the beautiful, funny, smart, caring, nurturing, and talented young man he once was. The screams continue to rip themselves from my body, leaving behind holes and tears in my soul. I worry that this time, duct tape will not be enough to mend what is broken. Emily reaches from the back seat to comfort me and to try to pull me back from this dark pit into which I have fallen.

She is successful. I am laying next to hear, snuggled in close in our bed in Houston. Em is leaning over me, rubbing my back and arm. Tears are streaming down my face and my breathing is short from the screaming. She couldn't understand what I was saying, but she knew that I needed to be woken up. My nightmare was too much for me to handle. "I've got you," is all she says, wraps her arms around me, and I continue to sob. I am not ready to lose my brother and in so many ways I already have. I want to call him now, hear his voice, tell him how much I love him, but I fear that he will not be in his bed. I am lighter after blogging this out. The medicine ball that lives on my chest is now the size of a manageable peach, which I may snack on later.

Note to Drew
Where ever you are, know that I love you dearly. You are my heart. I have a bond with you that I share with no other person in this world. This bond can never be broken. I need you in my life. I am proud of you for being a survivor. I miss you.

Love-
Sissy (The Sparkly Queen)

Ummm...I Think I Forgot to Tell You Something!

I can't believe that I have been so wrapped up in my anxiety and family-mama drama that I forgot to mention the fact that I asked Em to marry me. So let me be kind and rewind for a moment.

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Somewhere around 7:00 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed and placed a brightly wrapped gift next to Emily as she slept. Then, smooth like Bond, I snuck back into bed to stare her awake. You know what I'm talking about...when you stare so hard at a sleeping person that their subconscious nudges them back into reality in an effort to give them warning that they are being watched. Of course my powerful stare-down worked, and Emily,woke up. So naturally, I snapped my eyes closed and pretended to sleep. This was how the morning of our engagement began. Oh yeah...like I said smooth like Bond...that's me.

All wrapped up!

Actually, when Emily finally did wake up, she gave me that beautiful smile that I love so much. This perfectly sweet smile is the exact reason why I chose to propose first thing in the morning. I know what you are thinking...sooo not romantic, morning-breath and whatnot. But this is when I love her best. Every morning when Em wakes up she gives me this amazing smile like she is seeing me for the first time. Like she has waited all night for this moment...to wake up next to me. Me...sometimes I feel that I do not deserve this kind of love...then I remember how AWESOME I am!

So, anyways, she discovers the package and gets super excited because she thinks I have gotten her a gift to celebrate the beginning of our summer off together.

Who loves a present more than my girl?!

She tears off the paper to find a scrapbook. Yes, you heard right folks. After buying The Complete Idiot's Guide to Scrapbooking, I spent the entire month of June compiling the last 3 months of our lives together into a genuine scrapbook.

Em checkin' out the scrapbook.

When she came to the end, she found her ring tied with a silver ribbon to the final page along with the words, "Today is the day I will ask you to marry me." After that, the rest is a blur. Completely overwhelmed by emotion, I got down on my knees and babbled on about my endless love for her, finally ending with, "Will you marry me?" The only thing about this particular moment that I do remember clearly is the look on her face and the sound of the word "YES" leaving her lips.

Em shows off her ring from James Avery.

If you think she looks happy, you should've seen me. The BEST day of my life!

We spent the morning together kissing and laughing about all of the things to come and how crazy it was that we had found our "person" our "bacon". This was followed by a delicious brunch with her moms (I had asked for their blessing earlier in the week and invited them to meet us as a surprise for Emily) and a couple of our friends at Baba Yega to celebrate. It was wonderful!

Brunch with family and friends.

Gabby and Amanda

Karon and Toni (Emily's Parents)

Emily with her moms.

My new family!

Future Runaway Bride?

More details to come...I promise!

Love-
The Sparkly Queen

Emily and me. God she is beautiful!

Pancakes and Oxycontin

This morning I woke up feeling unmotivated and simply put...sad. So I crawled out of bed to make breakfast for the hot red-head lying next to me. Chocolate-chip pancakes. For me there is something therapeutic about cooking for other people and seeing them enjoy my food. I think this may be a common trait of fat-girls everywhere. Take Paula Deen for example. We are like crack pushers.

So, here she comes (the hot red-head...not Paula Deen) down the stairs into the kitchen. She tells me I look cute...and OH...DID I LOOK CUTE! She kisses my cheek and proceeds to make a peanut-butter and honey sandwich that she wraps in foil. Why foil? I am not sure, we have baggies. Then we proceed with our morning conversation...

Me: You want some
breakfast?

Hot RH: No thanks.

Hot RH: Are you sure you don't want to take
it
with you?

Hot RH: No thanks. Are you O.K.? You look
really
tired.

Me: Do I?

Pause for reflection on my tiredness. I think I look refreshed...don't you?

Hot RH: What are you going to do today?

Me: I haven't decided yet. I have no
idea.

Hot RH: Ok, well I'll see you at 11:30.

Me: Ok. Have a good morning.

The hot red-head leaves, I eat a pancake, and I get angry. Now I have this entire stack of fucking pancakes, and I am fuming. Whatever. We have our first couples therapy appointment today at noon. Maybe that can be our first topic of conversation..."Em doesn't appreciate me when I make her foods that she doesn't like/want." How fucking lame is that? Let's get real. This is not about Em, nor is about pancakes.

I think I really need to go back to what I have learned in my own therapy sessions and ask myself, "So what is this REALLY about?" Because Lord knows, it is not about chocolate-chip fucking pancakes. It's about me needing to feel appreciated. Like what I do matters to someone...anyone. I have never been enough for my family. They always want more. I was just in Indiana for 3 weeks to begin cleaning up the huge mess my family has created. When I would go to the nursing home, I would always be armed with clean clothes, meals, snacks, flowers, pictures...you name it...and the response would always be, "Why didn't you bring ____!" Fill in the blank. I spent hours cleaning their apartment, hired a crew to haul out the piles and piles of shit that covered the floors. Wiped down tables covered with white powder residue, remnants of crushed Oxycontin, Hydrocodone, and Xanax. Boxed up empty bottle after empty bottle because I couldn't drop them into the dumpster due to the large number of bottles, the illegality of the doctor shopping that my family has done, and for fear of raising anymore suspicion about the "business" they were running.I bought groceries, did laundry, took them to numerous doctor's appointments, fought w/ the directors to keep my mother in her nursing home, went on an endless scavenger hunt to collect all of the paperwork and evidence needed to just to begin the Medicaid application process. If the words "thank you" dared to leave their lips, it was only if their right hand was simultaneously extended in need. I have left my job, my home, my life and for what? Does what I have done even matter? Has it made a difference? Or, at the end of the day, will my family go back to living in filth, snorting pills, guzzling methadone, and will I just continue to make pancakes in hopes of getting the validation I so desperately and pathetically seem to need?

VOTE

I was officially awake at 3 am. Could it be the excitement of going to the polls this morning? Maybe it is...or it could be the fact that Em and I are the youngest senior citizens on the face of the entire planet going to bed at 8:50pm. Truthfully, this is not an appropriate bedtime for a professional insomniac like myself. Regardless, I am actually very excited to "Barack the Vote" and plan to be there when they open at 7:00am. I have never felt so anxious in my life about an election...the outcome feels so critical that my stomach actually hurts from the butterflies drop-kicking each other's asses.

During one of my random Blogspot blog searches this morning I stumbled upon the rants and raves of a young woman who looked about my age. Her top post was a picture of her and some friends ready to hit the town on Halloween, their costumes looked quirky enough that I thought I would skim through in hopes of finding another blogtastic blog. I learned so much so quickly...

1. She is always the bridesmaid never the bride, yet she gushes each time about the "beautiful bride" and how "lucky" she is to have a new "cuz" (Mike, Brian, whateve...you fill in the name.)

2. She finds people who use the term OMG "lazy" and "annoying".

3. She is a "devout Christian" doing the "work of God" based on quoted bible verses; therefore, she is voting for McCain.

Let us pause for a moment to mourn the loss of whatever brain-cells this blonde-bombshell has left and wrap it up with an OMG...WTF? The last time I checked, nowhere in the bible does it say "Vote for McCain" nor does it say "In order to be a Christian you must be a Repub." I am fearful today of those voting "in the name of the Lord." Voting without true knowledge of the issues and for the only white man in the room over the age of 70 who has a bible-thumping side-kick wearing fashion glasses in hopes of making her look less like she did the political research for her campaign on Wikipedia, and more like a "real American."

So today I ask that everyone go out and vote, and when you are standing behind that curtain don't ask yourself, "WWJD?". Instead, ask yourself which candidate is truly less likely to F-up this already struggling country of ours...then vote for Obama.

"You're My Woman..."

I am in love people! In L-O-V-E love! I know, how cliche right? Another lesbian declaring her undying love for a woman she met online only 2 months ago and has only dated for 5 weeks, but I do. I totally love her. I love her endlessly and completely. I love everything about her, and I look forward to that "something new" that I discover everyday that makes me love her more, when I didn't think my heart had anymore room. I love learning about who she is, her history, and who she wants to be. I love her for her complete kindness, her ceaseless affection, her devotion, her honesty, her commitment to her students, the love and respect she has for her family, her mistakes, and her triumphs.

I have always heard people say that when it is the right person you just know, which I honestly thought was some lame line of bullshit to avoid telling you that the person you were dating was a total tool...but no...this is ACTUALLY TRUE. You just know. It's amazing how truly simple it is. I have a hard time finding the words to express how I feel about this fantastic woman who is MY PERSON. She is my person ya know? If I were Jewish, she would be my bashert. If I were Jamila, she'd be my Terrance. If I were Karon, she'd be my Toni. If I were Steve, she'd be my Ferryn. If I were a BLT, she'd totally be my bacon. Shit...if I were Kevin, she'd still be my Bacon!

I have never in my life felt so much joy just by being around someone. She radiates such a warm and positive energy. When I wake up in the morning and she is next to me, everything with the world feels so totally right. I love her best in the mornings. She wakes up with this glowing smile, eyes barely open, soft spoken with a, "Hi Love"...or maybe she will sign something about not wanting to get up and staying in bed with me, and I'll sign back "You're Sexy" cause that's all I really know at this point. This usually makes her blush or laugh, but I always get a kiss for it.

This beautiful woman makes me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before and more often. She challenges me, pushes me to be a better person, encourages me to love myself, comforts me, holds me, and lets me hold her and never pulls away. She inspires me with her strength, respects me and the decisions that I make, surprises me with her silliness, warms me instantly with her touch, and overwhelms me with the unconditional love she offers me everyday.

This is my woman. My person. My love. My heart. Forever.

Ass Condos

Here are a few general updates:

1. I was supposed to go to Indiana this morning to see my family. I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready. It has been almost a year since I saw them last. In June I will try again.

2. In response to my first interview I was told, "We decided to move in another direction." Another direction? Ummm...yeah. Thanks to everyone who wished me well during this process!

3. My former GBF (Gay Best Friend) fell off the face of the earth and resurfaced yesterday with a second-hand invite for dinner since her original plans (which she turned me down for dinner to do) fell through. Thanks but no thanks. She says she was taking a break...hmmmm...would have been nice to know that. Also, she has requested that I find her when I return from my girlfriends ass. Unfortunately, I've pretty much set up camp in said ass and am in the process of building a condo there. It's a REALLY NICE ASS!

4. I am currently eating my pain in Shipley's Do-Nuts. They are delicious but are making my keyboard very sticky.

5. I have two more interviews this week. Maybe this time I won't show up naked, or at least I'll wear pasties. I'll keep you posted.

My new home. I am a very lucky girl.

But I am a Whore!

I have not blogged in what feels like a million years. Why you ask? I have been busy bitch...damn...get up out of my business. Actually, my routine has been all messed up. It's rough doing the walk of shame every morning then working like 12 to 14 hour days. Fear not...it's on tomorrow bitches!

On a side note, can you believe my girlfriend just said that I wasn't a good reality TV whore?! I'm like...who you talkin' to? Seriously?! What because I have never heard of some show called Hells Kitchen? Whatever. I mean, I was FAITHFUL to A Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla...FAITHFUL to America's Next Top Model...FAITHFUL to the Biggest Loser...FAITHFUL to The Pussycat Dolls...FAITHFUL!!!! Need I say more?

Finally Leaving the Office

Isn't it amazing how the anticipation of seeing someone can brighten your entire day?!