Cocoa That Will Blow Your Mojo

Tonight, one of my future mother-in-laws made the most decadent hot cocoa I have ever had in my entire life and sent us home with an entire milk container. So of course, as soon as we get here, I go into the kitchen armed with a Sharpie and begin to write "cocoa" on the carton. You know, so we don't accidentally waste a drop of its deliciousness on our Chex in the morning. While I was in the kitchen, Emily slinks up behind me and places her hands on my hips:

Emily - "Hey Love! You look super sexy."

Me - No response. Bend over to focus on the neatness of my handwriting.

Emily - Pressing up against me,"Yeah..that's what I'm talking about."

Me - Fart loudly...die laughing...hit the floor...almost pee my pants.

Emily - "So are you gonna love me up or what?"

What can we conclude from this little exchange?
1. Yes...I am actually THAT hot.
2. Emily has some serious unconditional love for me.
3. Try to get between me and my cocoa, and I will fuck your shit up...or at least blow you away.

Grrrrrrr....Scary Lesbian.

Granny Panties and Google

I am in a post-holiday funk. One that has me sprawled out on the sofa in my granny-panties and ankle socks in an endless web-surfing coma that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I cancelled my therapy appointment with Robert and ate a brownie. Fun times.

Ass Condos

Here are a few general updates:

1. I was supposed to go to Indiana this morning to see my family. I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready. It has been almost a year since I saw them last. In June I will try again.

2. In response to my first interview I was told, "We decided to move in another direction." Another direction? Ummm...yeah. Thanks to everyone who wished me well during this process!

3. My former GBF (Gay Best Friend) fell off the face of the earth and resurfaced yesterday with a second-hand invite for dinner since her original plans (which she turned me down for dinner to do) fell through. Thanks but no thanks. She says she was taking a break...hmmmm...would have been nice to know that. Also, she has requested that I find her when I return from my girlfriends ass. Unfortunately, I've pretty much set up camp in said ass and am in the process of building a condo there. It's a REALLY NICE ASS!

4. I am currently eating my pain in Shipley's Do-Nuts. They are delicious but are making my keyboard very sticky.

5. I have two more interviews this week. Maybe this time I won't show up naked, or at least I'll wear pasties. I'll keep you posted.

My new home. I am a very lucky girl.

Back to the Practice of Self-Love...or Something Like That

Today has been quite a learning experience. So here are my big take-aways:

1. When you write hate-blogs about yourself, people who care about you ARE GOING TO RESPOND.

2. When they do respond, it is because they care. You need to accept their love and support instead of being a total fuck-head about it. (Sorry to those of you to whom I was a total fuck-head.)

3. Sometimes people surprise you. Even the seemingly emotionally unavailable ones have feelings too. You should always be aware of that before telling them to , "Fuck off, ass!"

4. I am scared shitless that I will turn out just like my mother. I project this fear onto others and assume they have this same worry. Many of them do not.

5. Finally, and probably my most important take-away for the day, you CAN get a spicy chicken fillet on the Chicken Club at Wendy's. Delicious!

DEPRESSION'S OVER PEOPLE. LET'S MOVE ON.

Meet the Parents

It is completely fascinating to me how opinionated people can be and how entitled they feel to that opinion. What fascinates me even more is how they don't recognize their opinion as an "opinion" but an actual fact. I am so fucking pissed right now, and I can't even articulate exactly why...so maybe, just maybe if I ramble for a bit I will figure it out.

So here's the deal...I'm sitting w/ a group of folks who shall remain anonymous, so for our purposes today we will call them LaFonda, Matilda, Irma, Pie Head, The Intern, and Boss Lady. Anyways, we are eating Jimmy Johns (which, side note, is a total FATGASM) in the conference room when I turn to LaFonda and quietly mention that I am meeting "The Girl's" parents on Sunday. This is what they call her as if I have a harem of women and they just can't keep the name straight. Anyway, usually I find this funny, but today I seem to be feeling a little "sensi". The conversation went a little something like this:

LaFonda: "Wait..hold on. What..tell me you are joking?!"

Me: "No, I'm serious...what?"

LaFonda: "You can't do that. You two just met, and you know how you are."

Me: "How am I exactly?"

LaFonda: "Boss Lady what do you think about this? She emailed w/ this girl for about a month, they met on Sunday, and now they are dating or something and she wants to meet the parents."

Boss Lady: "Oh...yeah...no...don't want to do that."

Me: "What's the big deal? I don't fucking get this issue here."

Boss Lady: "The next thing you know you are going to be talking about living together and then you'll really be in a mess."

Me: "I'm not going to do that!"

Pie Head: "She's done it before."

Me: "Pie Head...come on! I learned my lesson, that is not going to happen."

Matilda: "What's she talking about? Sparkly Queen...what in the hell are you talking about now?"

LaFonda: "She's talking about meeting The Girl's parents."

Matilda: "Oh HELL NO!"

Me: "Damn LaFonda, why do you have to put my shit out there?!"

Pause for argument that ensues over putting my shit out there.

Me: "So what is the appropriate timeline for meeting someones parents?"

LaFonda: "There is no perfect time, that's not what I am saying."

Me: "So then why not Sunday?"

LaFonda: "You don't know that this is going anywhere."

Me: "Whatever...I'm done talking about this."

So...
1. I'm super pissed that LaFonda can't keep a conversation between the two of us or express her concern in a less condescending and attacking sort of way.

2. I just really don't feel like this is their business or understand why they feel so strongly about it.

With that said, I am left with the following...I am sure that this comes from a place of concern for my happiness and the well-being of my heart. I have on occasion fallen pretty hard for people and pretty fast. I must say though, never this hard or this fast (hahaha I said hard and fast.) I suppose it is true that I don't know her fully yet, but isn't this part of it? Aren't they part of who she is? Isn't this part of getting to know her?

At the end of the day, I am going to do what makes me happy...and she makes me so happy. That's all that matters as far as I'm concerned. Oh...and they are really going to shit when they discover that "The Girl" is actually "The Girlfriend." Yeah...I know GBFF, you were right. I owe you a beer.

Meet Hank

When did I become a single,retired, ex-frat-boy named Hank who sits in his wife beater w/ his hand down his pants? Ok...so maybe my hand isn't down my pants (at least not all of the time), but I am really starting to worry about myself. I woke up this morning and was like...hmmm I need some breakfast. I went to the fridge, wife-beater, no bra, hair wild, scratched my ass (just keepin' it real)...

Looks innocent right?

Then...I opened it...

This is soooo not OK people. Can we just analyze this for second. The only thing that is truly edible up in this mug is some Kraft Parmesan Cheese. And if that doesn't do it for ya...no worries...cause there is a giant block of parm in the drawer too. Why in the hell do I have so much fucking parm?! I mean, clearly I haven't been cooking, so on what have I been putting it? There is enough beer and wine for when my homies come over...oh...and a Forty for when I feel street.

So what did I do you ask?

Closed that shit...made some mint tea...and had a handful of M&Ms....DUH!

My First Time...

Ok, so maybe not the "first time" you were hoping for...fucking perverts. Anyway, this is my first blog, so what in the hell am I supposed to be talking about?! I am sitting on my brown couch watching old DVRd Oprahs, Mediums, and Bad Girl's Clubs, "enjoying" a sick day. I can't decide if I am sick or if I am depressed...again. Time will tell I suppose. Maybe if I eat another chocolate birthday cupcake (nope, not my birthday...the frosting just looked delicious) I will be able to see more clearly. This whole blogging thing is actually pretty fascinating to me. Do I write my most intimate thoughts (i.e. I have a lame-ass girly-crush for a new but incredibly dear friend) or should I try to be cool and discuss all that is new in the pop-culture world (did you hear that Heath may have a love child...why can't folks just leave him alone?) Maybe for once in my life I will just be me. This is my new hope you know...to be me...to actually find out who "me" is. I am so tired of trying to make everyone happy, trying to fit some mold that's too tight, too big, the wrong color, the wrong texture, too itchy, too soft, too...just too!!!! Let's pause for a moment as I recollect myself. If you haven't noticed I can flip crazy in a hot second, but not crazy like boil your bunny, smother you w/ a pillow...more like loud, wild, and strongly opinionated. Can we go back to those fucking delicious cupcakes for a second. They are chocolate, with a fudgy frosting that gives a new name to orgasmic, and a few pastel sprinkles to add to the festivity of it all. When I purchased them, it was close to 10 pm on a Sunday night, I was exhaustedly (not a real word I'm sure, but totally describes how I was feeling) pushing the buggy (a word I picked up from my time in NC) around the store. I took those little chocolate treats for a cruise around the store along w/a case of Shiner, 3 packs of single-serve frozen veggies, bread, and black-bean burgers. Of course, the bread, veggies, and burgers will continue to sit around never to be enjoyed; however, do you know how good Shiner is w/ Birthday Cupcakes?! Back to the point, as I carried my bags of goodies and that big yellow case of cold beer to my car I was so incredibly happy to be an adult...for the first time in my life I was like, "Adulthood totally RULES! I just bought cupcakes and beer, and didn't have to beg my mama for them yo'!"