MAY?! I can't believe my last post was in May. I guess I have been a little busy...

• I lived at the University of Houston for 8 weeks.
• I moved...twice.
• I turned 30.
• I got married.
• I had my name changed.
• I went on my honeymoon...1 week in beautiful Hawaii.

and now...nothing. Life is still. In some ways I am grateful for the calm, but I don't seem to do too well with too much time on my hands.

In Memory of Our Dirty-Word Poetry Magnets

Emily and I have decided that since we are getting married it is time to move on to the next phase of our lives...you know the one...the more mature phase where we go to bed at 9pm, start wearing granny-panties, and get rid of the dirty-word poetry magnets on our fridge. Ahhh...how I will miss the endless hours spent staring at the fridge in my thong, late at night, writing filthy poetry. Here are just a few of my favorites.

ODE TO EMILY

YOU SAY PENIS - I SAY VAJAY-JAY

THE HOO-HOO

THE ORAL EXAM

STRAPPING IT ON

Oh...dirty-word poetry magnets....

Random Bits and Favors

My mom's surgeon called this morning at 7:00 am...no cancer. With those words my chest got a little lighter. Today is a really good day. I feel a little more free to continue and enjoy my life and more prepared to get things back on track. Trust me, there is a lot to get back on track..

Wedding preparations

Packing for our move on May 28

Facilitation of a new staff training

Conference calls

Checking-in with my staff members

Getting ready to leave for and help run the 8 week 24/7 training that I have worked all year to prepare for

Working out with my trainer

My health, diet, and weight (so tired of bitching about this one)

Hunting the lizard in our apartment

Getting my tan on...

The list goes on, but even at this point I am bored with myself. Anyways...speaking of the wedding, we finally landed on a favor for the the guests. Beautiful glass wine stoppers from http://www.beau-coup.com/. I really think they will be the perfect gift given that my future mother-in-love will be preparing a 5 course dinner w/ wine pairings. I know...she is super-fabulous.

Hide & Seek

I am still in hiding. Today I am hiding from the doctor...oh and my personal trainer. I am supposed to call his office today for my mom's test results (the doctor's...not the personal trainer's.) I totally do not feel ready. Not that my readiness has any impact at all on the cancer that may or may not be inside of my mother.

I am not ready to hear that it is in fact cancer, but I'm also not prepared to hear that it is not. No...I do not wish for my mother to have cancer, but what I do want is an answer for her deterioration that goes beyond the drug use. I need for her suffering and my mourning to stop...I need an ending. I am constantly mourning the loss of my mother, and the reality is that I lost her a long time ago. I need to stop hiding in this dark mourning dress. When I finally do make it through the layers of black silk and french netting what will I find? According to my personal trainer a pretty hot bod...that is, if I'd stop hiding from him. But beyond the string bikini....will I find relief...happiness...comfort...myself?

The Day After Mother's Day

When things get too difficult, I tend to hide...even from my blog it seems. My mom is really sick again. She is down to 80 lbs, so frail and had surgery on Tuesday. An ulcer ruptured on her esophagus causing bacteria to leak into her chest cavity. In short, she had to have her esophagus removed, and we are waiting to here if it is cancer. Em and I spent last week in Indiana with my mom in the hospital. Today is our first day back to work, which is difficult. It was so hard to leave her behind. She was so scared and still confused about what was going on. So that's the update. Didn't this blog used to be funny...or a least a little bit funny?

In the spirit of funny...this always makes me laugh.

Drowning in Velveeta

The depression can be so consuming. It is thick like Velveeta only it's getting thicker. Somehow I manage to pretend that everything is alright. She knows it's not. She hasn't "seen me laugh" in days....I am distant. I say that I am fine and continue to find mundane things to bitch about. The wedding decorations, the favors, the guy who cut me off in traffic, my job, my weight...the list goes on and on. Richard likes to say, "What it's about aint what it's about." So what in the hell is it about?!

Laying in bed the tears force their way through the dam that I have so carefully constructed. They come spilling over, forcing me cry out in ways I never want to hear again. Em's hearing aids are out for the night, so if I am careful she won't know. I sit in the bathroom in the dark...muffled sobs.

Begging God...for what I don't know...just begging.

Then a more sensible Amanda comes forward to "clean up this mess. You don't have time for all of this. You have work tomorrow. Plus you are being overly dramatic." So I did, then back to bed. But damn-it! The tears are back and in full force. The pain is overwhelming, the anxiety...I am on the verge of a panic attack. So now what do I do?! My mind is racing for a solution. Burning myself, cutting myself, gorging my face until I am sick...all are reliable options for making the tears and all of the emotions that go along with it disappear. I don't want to cut, so I settle for nail clippers...cutting my nails so short until they hurt...cutting cuticles. It's not working. Tonight I have two options; a razor or the cold mac-n-cheese in the fridge.

The brutal hiccups that I have as I type this should help you determine which path I chose. And I am at peace. The feelings have been stuffed. I will survive one more night. But this can't go on. In the last 2 months I have gained 20 lbs from all of the food-stuffing I have been doing. It's like I am trying to destroy myself, but if I am destroying myself who will save me? No one. I have no one. My mother, father, and brother are no longer capable of being there for me...I'm not sure they ever were. I was the mama there.

I am so scared that my wedding day is going to come and I won't be able to feel the love and excitement that the day will most definitely be filled with. I will be stuck in this fog, crying for my mother...wishing she could be there healthy and sober to help me choose my dress, and to tell me how beautiful I look, and how happy she is for me that I found someone to love me unconditionally who takes care of me the way my dad wasn't able to take care of here. She will cry a tear at our beautiful ceremony and dance to "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge. Smiling...happy...healthy. But that will not be. So as I work to plan this wedding into perfection with the hopes that it all will be just enough to distract me from the one thing that will be missing. My mother...my Mom. My family has ruined so many things in my life and have taken and taken until I have nothing to give...how do I keep them from taking this too?

Sorry for the somber entry, but it truly feels like sumo wrestler has be lifted from my chest. Until next time friends.

Love-

The Sparkly Queen

HAPPINESS IS...

LOVE.

Father and The Other "F" Word

The nursing home called me today to let me know that they are sending my mom home. They informed me that her release date was scheduled for February 16, but my dad requested that she be home for Valentine's Day. Isn't he so romantical (please read with the utmost sarcasm). I was prepared for this day. I knew it was coming. My mother is not making any progress, has been sneaking and getting high, refusing to eat, and her weight has dropped to 98 pounds. There is nothing more that the nursing home can do for her. I have come to terms with this. My mother is not going to get any better. I agree that she should be allowed to go home and live whatever time she has left however she wants to live it...if that is with my dad...if that is totally loaded...whatever. I want just want her to find some sense of happiness.

What I am struggling with is that my dad is refusing any in-home health care for my mom. The bastard "doesn't need any help". Well tough shit mother-fucker this isn't about you...this is about my mother. Such a hard concept to grasp when your head is so far up your ass and your nose is so full of Oxy that you think the entire world revolves around you. Clearly, this makes me feel nothing but hate for him. It makes me want to call him every mother-fucking nasty name I can fucking think of. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It Always Starts The Same Way...

It is 1:00 a.m., and he’s still not home. My eyes are burning from the powerful need to sleep, so I close them and begin to drift. I remind myself again that he is not home and become more alert at the thought. Luckily my favorite show in a long line-up of Nick at Night programming is about to about to begin; the Patty Duke Show. I turn from my side onto my back, propping my head up with an extra pillow in an effort to better see my 15 inch television set and then I hear it... the rev of a 1987 Mustang G.T. pulling into the driveway two stories below my bedroom window.

I quickly turn off the television; pull the covers tightly around me up to my chin for protection and wait. My pulse is racing. I attempt to quiet the sound of my breathing as I strain my ears to hear his familiar movements downstairs. Despite the loud thumping of my heart, I can hear him in the kitchen. The door of the pantry slams shut, the fridge opens then closes, and is followed by the whirring of the microwave. I am sweating under the weight of my pink quilt, too afraid to move, listening intently. Ding…whatever concoction he has created for dinner is done. I hear the clanking of the utensils as he chooses a fork. Each heavy thud of his boots on the 1970’s yellow linoleum shakes my soul like thunder. I worry because he hasn’t taken his shoes off yet, this is the first sign that a disaster is coming. I become more agitated, my stomach aches from the butterflies flying around in terror. Click…I hear the lamp in the living room and a roar of applause as the downstairs television comes to life. Some late-night talk show. “Isn't it too late for Letterman?” my mind begins to wander and my body to relax, until I am startled back to reality by the sound of his plate on the coffee table and the creak of the couch springs as he rises from the sofa. “Please just turn off the lamp and go to sleep!” I plead with him silently from the depths of my mind hoping to will him into staying downstairs.

But no. Tonight we will not be so lucky. My small body tenses, I am trembling, though I am sweating profusely. The thud of his boots on the stairs as he begins to climbs leaves me feeling nauseous. I am worried that I might throw-up. Now is not the time. I need to be watchful... my mother might needs me. Finally, my dad reaches the top of the stairs, turning on the hallway light that is bright enough to light up a stage and busts through my mothers bedroom door. I imagine the light pouring into her room and wonder if it hurts her eyes...is she pretending to sleep like me. I hear her calm voice tell my dad to, "...be quiet you’re gonna wake-up Andrew.” My two-year old brother is sleeping next to her. I am shaking uncontrollably now, still unable to bring myself out from under the covers, paralyzed by the fear of what is about to take place. “Paul leave me alone!” My mother’s voice is rising in frustration and fear. I am being so silent that I am positive that I can hear the bruise forming on her arm as he grabs her with his large hands and drags her down the stairs. At this, I am finally released from my pink-quilt prison and I spring to my bedroom door. Opening it as quietly as I can so he doesn’t hear. At 8 years-old I stand guard at the top of the steps ready to intervene should things get too out of control.

The Winds of Change

When exactly do the Winds of Change blow? (God SCORPIONS rock!) Cause I am pretty sure that they were hurricane strength during the month of January. Somewhere in the chaos, I lost my blog. Sorry about that...and thanks to those of you who did a little checking up on me.

Returning to my job after a 2+ months family medical leave of absence has been a bit of a challenge. Trying to figure out where to pick-up and definitely feeling the learning curve blues. In short, it's like I have shown up 45 minutes late for a marathon that I not only have to run and finish, but win. The people ahead of me are on 'roids, and I unfortunately still have a Twinkie in one hand....and are those weights around my waist? Oh...no...just my muffin-top. See what I'm sayin'?

So there has been that. In addition, I have been in search of some balance in my life. I'm seeing a dietitian, going to the gym, still adjusting my meds, attending couples therapy, individual therapy, getting financial guidance, trying a new church, starting a book club, running a social meetup site, trying to get ahead of the wedding planning, and last but not least still working on that mother-fucking detachment thing! As you can see, my search for balance during the month of January has turned into me digging a giant hole for myself. Now how am I supposed to run, finish, and win that damn marathon when I am in a GD hole?

I will figure this out. As a good friend pointed out, I need to PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN and stop digging my own grave. The shovel is down, but I may still be holding a spoon. The Winds of Change are still blowing, but the hurricane is over. I think I will step outside and enjoy the light breeze on my face.

Love & Sparkles-
The Sparkly Queen

When Awake True Life Hurts

Two hours, one sleeping pill and an anti-anxiety pill later and I am still AWAKE! I'm a hot mess and too numb to write. Thank God for the MTV True Life marathon!

Oh...wait...can I just tell you what Emily's father-in-law did today? (That's what I am calling my dad these days. It helps with the detachment.) As many of you know, I now handle my mother's finances...and since my dad remains unemployed, the government requires that I send him money every month. Gross right? Anyways, long story short, last month he needed his money sooner than my online bill pay could get it there...so I being the nice daughter that I am...purchased a cashiers check over the phone and authorized him to pick it up at the local branch. I of course, put an immediate stop payment on the other check which he promised to destroy once it arrived.


Well guess who called me today friends? Ummm...the bank. My dad deposited the check with the stop payment and has been spending it. Good lord! I mean #1. What kind of dumbass accepts a check w/ a stop payment on it? This was a check written off of their own bank. #2. What in the hell did he think he was doing? Did he think he was going to scam $800 off of me (actually my mother?) People, this makes me pissed everytime I think about it. I need to woosah that shit in a serious way.


Ok...for real yo...back to True Life...somehow it makes me seem a little less cray-cray. But just a little.

Welcome to 2009

Dear Reader(s)-

HAPPY NEW YEAR! The next 365 days of 2009 should be pretty interesting given that I will be...

1. Turning thirty. Yes...the big 3 - 0.
   
2. Getting married.


3. Legally changing my last name.


4. Piercing my labia majora.

Ok...number 4 was a lie...I just wanted to use the the words "labia" and "majora."

With that said, I feel the need to be super cliche and kick-off my year of blogs in 2009 by listing my resolutions...drum roll please!

1. PAY OFF MY DEBT: Of course this does not include my school loans or car, but close enough. I will also start saving, and I will stick to my budget.

2. GET HEALTHY, FIT, & SVELTE: I recently came to the realization that my grandmother died at 53 of heart-failure, and my mom lost her damn mind before she even made it to 50. I don't want to be dead or crazy-town-USA in 20 years or so big that I have to be cut out of my own house like that woman in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I will change my lifestyle not for the opportunity to wear that slutty-out-of-style tube-top I bought on clearance for $10 at American Eagle back in 1998, but I will do it because I want to live a very long life for myself, for Emily, and the family we will one day have.

3. TALK LESS - PRAY MORE: Enough said.

4. COMMIT TO MY GROWTH IN IN AL-ANON: It's so totally way beyond time for that.

5. LOVE EMILY FIERCELY EVERYDAY: I am so blessed to have Emily in my life. I will never take a single day for granted.

6. USE THE WORDS "NO" TO MORE DRAMA AND "YES" TO MORE SEX: Ahhh..chica-chica ;)

7. TRY SOMETHING NEW: This could be anything from writing my memoir to brushing my teeth 3 times a day instead of 2.

Wish me luck, and I look forward to sharing my year with you!

Lots of Love & Sparkles-
The Sparkly Queen
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Em looking like a fly-honey! How could a girl not say "Yes!"